Is it familiar? So many of us have been there…. I was working so hard, I don’t know how I was managing to stay awake and achieve my work goals. Upon reflection it’s easy to see how I managed it… I was desperately looking for a distraction.
Partly it was down to my mum who raised me well. Teaching me to possess a strong work ethic, my mum taught me that whatever you do: “You. Have. To. Do. It. PROPERLY!” My mums’ way of teaching was, at times, strict. And although I understood what my mother was teaching me, as a result, I can lean towards being a bit of a perfectionist, who is perhaps prone to piling a bit of pressure on myself! When pushed to work harder, I can’t say no, I just get on and do it and if it means I don’t do anything else, I don’t mind. Darkest time, no doubt. No joke, no fun, nothing good to remember. Something we all need to survive and forget as soon as possible.
So I became a workaholic and for 3 months I didn’t do anything else. Mostly (begrudgingly I admit this) because if I didn’t have this what else would I have to do with my time? Inevitably free time equalled time for my mind to wander. I also felt like I had nothing left. (That’s what I thought at the time anyway. To appreciate what I actually had, came later!) I felt that working so hard was the only thing which gave me genuine satisfaction. And at the time it gave me a challenge, a goal. A reason to be proud of myself again. A reason not to think about what had happened.
The outcome? I burnt out of course, as you do when completely overworked and tired.
When the project finished I was faced with the inevitable; I had to deal with myself, my life and my future! I had to make new plans. I had to find the beauty in life and to start to actually do something about my current state of life, instead of pushing it away. I couldn’t avoid the inner voice anymore. Though this didn’t happen overnight….
(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)
Next: Who am I? – Travelling part I