Suddenly my adrenaline had ran out. It was now a few months after our break-up and it hit me (with force) that everything I had dreamed of was over. I had no more energy to keep pretending all was okay (I did a good job for 3 months). My heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I was beaten. My friend explained to me that it was similar to how you feel after being involved in a car crash. Your adrenalin is high immediately after (perhaps shock) but when it drops, you break down and come to terms with what has happened. Apparently most of us lose our sh*t around this point. My friend told me this theory straight after my break-up, when I felt okay… Fine, maybe I was in denial (?!). Maybe she was giving me a warning but I just remember thinking “Why does there have to be a come-down? Why can’t I just always feel okay?”
I had the first pillar put back in place- the flat. And now I had this cheque. But it was like both things made me suddenly realise it was really over. Don’t get me wrong I knew it before but now in my heart and head I had to really accept it. It was the moment everything had finally sunk in. I had no more hope. I could not feel the highs I felt when travelling in America with my best friend, or visiting coffee shops with my family. I suddenly felt nothing. There was a huge emptiness inside of me. The emptiness was so touchable- and it hurt more than I could have ever prepared myself for. The amount of tears I shed could have filled up a bath. My own sorry bath of tears which were the result of all the pain from the past few months. I cried as I remembered happy memories from our time together. I cried as I thought about the future I will never have. I genuinely (if somewhat solemnly) thought that the tears represented all of my fears and hopeless thoughts. If you have never this experience you cannot imagine this pain and blackness, words are not good enough to describe it…
This is the (real) beginning process of being unattached from the past and the one you loved the most. This cry is so desperate and sometimes so loud that it could easily be heard. Other times the crying and grief is very private. No one really wants to hear that you’re sad, still do they?! However you are the only one who can stop the pain, who can rationalise the pain and eventually you do. Why? Because you don’t have a choice… Although there was a very specific reason that my healing became a little bit easier, well postponed I would say… Something or I would say someone turned up…Lets call him REBOUND.
(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)
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