Opening up?

Can you feel this? This is my heart beating! This is something which is not for sale! The price is not set and I couldn’t tell you how much it would take to own it. Am I going to be brave enough to open it? I am not sure. Can I take the risk? No game, no play and no win.

If you are here for something else you are knocking on the wrong door. The lucky ones got the opportunity in my twenties, now I have enough experience and respect for my body to know what I want/ need. If you are here for something real and something special then you need to work harder. Am I worth it? Who knows, no one can guarantee. I might be the wrong choice. All I know that right now I just can’t give you the privilege to break it to pieces. I have searched for the broken pieces on the ground for long enough. And eventually found them all and used a special glue this time. It might be too solid.

Someone wise once told me that we are all carrying our own baggage. We find it hard to forget and leave it behind and we all hurt and scared. So what do we do with this baggage then?!

The last time I told myself I should play the game I got burnt more than ever before. But it had given me the understanding of many others and the understanding of my independence and also my loneliness.

It is all in our head. Whatever we think about it is what it is. The famous glass can be half empty and full.

How many times I hear nowadays: I am happy to be on my own. I don’t need anyone. I want to be on my own. I love being single, I do what I want. I respect that. If you are truly happy it is brilliant.

And how many girls are telling me that they hate being on their own and are desperate to find the one and they would give anything to be happy again with a man. They get into dysfunctional relationships and for them the glass is half empty. And I can also understand this, don’t agree with it but I get it.

I would like to believe that there are some of us who would like to be happy and still believe that it will happen when the time comes and in the meantime we will use this special time wisely. We will make the most of it and not let the pressure from society force us to make wrong decisions.

Girls still believe in the prince on a white horse and boys want to be super heroes….

Next: When Cancer is taking your loved ones…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

When it is about opening up I can’t stop singing this song, it is from an ad – 1999 (Nescafe)! If you know this song, you were around in the 80’s too 😉 Enjoy!

Don’t lose that little spark of madness…

No clue where I read this but it really made me think. I used to say that normal people are boring. (It is in fact a bit of a dream to get it printed on a t-shirt.)

So when someone calls me crazy I take it is a compliment. Why would you want to be exactly the same as someone else? I do have a job and enjoy other “normality’s” such as a living in a home etc… But it doesn’t mean I am not a complete… well… idiot/ geek, as well.

Just ask my friends. If you can’t overcome your ego and lose yourself in a moment or look a bit silly from time to time you must surely get bored!?

And I bet you get attracted to the people who are brave enough to be silly or crazy too. Have you ever felt that you are going/or just always are, a bit nuts? Fantastic! This is great! It means you are doing well and you are not afraid of being different. Tap your back quickly and carry on.

What I love about London is that you cannot stand out. Ok maybe if you are naked but honestly any state in between is pretty much accepted. You are like everybody else you are one of millions.

For my whole life I have been buying black clothes cos it is safe but I always admire people who wear colours. They are cool, and they tend to get positive attention. I have learnt to trick myself though, now I go shopping with friends and I tell them that they can’t let me buy black. Works every time (and i still wear black most of the time).

Biggest mistake is to go shopping after you break up. I bet you buy only black clothes (mentioned before). And six months later you have to buy everything again. I do believe that you should buy clothes which reflect your moods, tastes and events in your life but just try to add colour wherever possible! Maybe even a splash of colour to your nails will do the trick. Personally I had to be over 30 to bring myself to wear red nail varnish.

Anyway, what I meant about madness and craziness is that you don’t always have to be perfect. You can act like an idiot, you can make people laugh at you and not only with you. You can let yourself go and dance silly. You can talk rubbish and dress like a clown. It doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you know who you are and how much you are worth. You have to make sure you know that you being different is a good thing. You don’t need to be a blondie with big boobs to be happy. Don’t think that you are single because you can’t offer this. You would attract the wrong people. So like always your confidence and self-esteem is the most important. BE YOURSELF!!! Good old advice but still applies. Work on it just like you work on your body. I am pretty good at underestimating myself so I can talk 🙂 … well write!

Next: When the universe is playing up

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

my crazy world

my crazy world

How about a one-night stand?

When you are single a one-night stand can be very tempting. However… The older I get, the more respect I have for my own body grows. This is my temple and I only have this body in this life, it hurts already everywhere after a 7-10k run :-S What can I expect later?

Being over 30 has got some benefits. I am more confident and I can control my hormones a bit better than I could in my twenties (a bit). Also I respect myself more and have become more selective over the age of 30 (hence the reason a pretty face is just not enough anymore…) I don’t take crap from others. I value quality over quantity. I have become Cinderella and parties have to stop around midnight or I can’t recover for days. This is so annoying btw. 2 drinks and I have swollen eyes in the morning (so not fair)…

So when the body is screaming the brain is still in charge. Let’s leave out the part when you have some drinks. It would be a completely different story. My friends laugh at me (not with me) because I have never had a one-night stand. They tell me how good it is and I am sure they are right. I can’t properly make my mind up about something I have never tried can I? I am missing out, whatever….

However I am honestly not the type of girl who attracts the guys in a club, I have never had someone ask me out after a party or invite me for a drink after. It has never happened. If I were to be kind to myself I wouldn’t say I was out constantly when I was not in a relationship so I did reduce the number of opportunities… 

According to a friend it is like Pringles, you take the first and you can never stop.  I have a feeling that she might be right…

I understand the reasoning as well: Why would I starve my body for no reason? No consequences, no regret. Being single means freedom, you do whatever you like. And we wonder why guys don’t want any commitments nowadays… This generation with the dating apps have got a very different opportunity and experience. You have so many to choose from. Why stop? It is like a never-ending story… Really makes me wonder what Casanova would do nowadays… – swiping to the right constantly…

However I know myself and if no matter how much I knew that it wasn’t more than an unspoken agreement (where we both knew that after having fun, there would be no rights, no expectations etc.) I would start to get attached quickly, therefore it would have to stop before it even got started. I would break all of the rules! I had and have this instinct of belonging to someone and being responsible for their happiness. I therefore presume it is not for me.

Sometimes I think if I had “fun”  constantly I would lose focus and the chance to actually notice the person who would be truly interested. Who would appreciate me (and I don’t want to be too cheesy here) and become someone potential. 

So for now the answer is no, sorry dear body, you keep up with the breaks, it’s all for the greater good… I hope. 

PS: It was all true when I wrote this post 18 months ago, only I know what happened since 😉

Next: Don’t lose that little spark of madness

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)



Being single is not a disease

It’s crazy how scared girls can be of becoming single. Some feel the stigma so strong and are so scared of this status that they would rather stay in a shitty relationship! In extreme cases they get beaten up or put up with an alcoholic a**hole just because they are scared to be own their own. Scared to be independent? Perhaps the fear of loneliness makes them stay or they can’t even see it because everything looks different when you are in a situation like this. Always looks more obvious from the outside. I find it even sadder when somebody tries to build up a fantasy world, faking their happiness.

I am not judging here by the way, I am a big believer in “everybody f*cking up their lives uniquely personal to them”.

Is it really better though to stay in an unhappy relationship just to avoid being single? You can easily waste your time by staying and ending up being single, just not by choice, anyway! The longer you stay the harder it gets.

I have heard this story from my friend who has been single for a couple of years (a fun, gorgeous and smart girl) that her friend once started to cry when she got dumped and got genuinely choked up when she said this: “oh my god, I am going to be single just like you! I can’t believe this, what am I going to do?” My friend of course looked at her and responded calmly. “Don’t worry, it’s not a disease, you will live!”

I don’t have to explain that the other girl is the type of girl who is bloody desperate to find a guy and can never see how lucky she is and how happy she could be if she stopped thinking that life is awful only because she is “alone”.

Some other girls love making a move on their friend’s boyfriends or guys they fancy. Why? Cos this is the exact thing which helps with her confidence. Also they are incapable of selecting on their own, they need to rely on others decisions. Don’t judge, it happens. I don’t think they choose to be this way. For their own benefit hopefully they change and start to grow. If they don’t it is very likely that the whole finding a boyfriend process will take longer.

And I guess I should stop right here 😉

Next: How about a one-bight stand?

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)


Fear is NOT real

This post is about how to cope with the fear of wondering how and/or when will you find the one? How do we combat those worrying thoughts such as, will I ever be loved again like I have been before? Will I be loved more than I have been before? How long do I have to wait for this love? Will I have time to have children? Shall I let that dream go? Am I single because my standards are too high/too low? Am I single because something is wrong with me? This list can be quite long. We can be so creative when our minds start to spiral out of control.

It gets a bit harder when suddenly all of your friends are having kids and you are the only one who hasn’t even got a boyfriend, not to even mention a husband! When you receive baby pictures on a daily basis- your Facebook has got nothing else but scan pictures and newborns. I believe when it all becomes a bit…much… the best thing to do is to get into a positive mindset and grab back some self-control. You can turn it around and shake it off. I think having these fears sometimes is completely understandable. The question is: can you handle it and not worry about it too much? When I could feel my worries becoming overwhelming I had a couple of tricks to get out of it. First of all I stopped looking at Facebook and I told myself that Facebook is not real, everybody shows their best sides of their lives on there, you never know about the other side. Facebook does not portray the whole reality. The second thought is very simple. I could feel sorry for myself but would it help? Would it make my life better? NO. In fact looking and feeling miserable probably equates to even less chance of attracting the right person. So the solution is simple. Acknowledge the feeling, reason with it and tell your mind to pack it up, move on and concentrate on better things. Check out your to-do list, call a friend, do some exercise and let your mind think about better more positive things. Tell yourself in the mirror that it will be fine and you just need to be a bit more patient. You could even write your fears down. Everything will be fine, it will all work out. 🙂 – Watch Will Smith’s advice on Fear!

Next: When a girl goes to the pub…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Being a “yeti” – don’t let it happen

This is a big challenge I know. Why would you keep up with high standards when there is no one to do it for? No one is there to inspire you and bring out the woman from you. I agree and I can imagine what you think right now trust me. Long trousers will do, make up goes to the minimum, nails are all good as natural and hair is boring as hell. Black and white outfit is safe and simple. I hope dear reader that you never had that standard drop. I have been there for a short period of time. My look was not a priority on my list. It didn’t click straight away what a catch 22 I was in. How could I feel better and feel like a woman if I didn’t put effort in? But I had no energy to do it.

You always do it for yourself and not for others. To satisfy your need and feed your inner glow. Looking in the mirror and smile and feel satisfaction.  Standing in front of the cupboard for long minutes and not feeling anything. Can’t imagine any outfit, can’t mix anything and you don’t feel any tiniest motivation to look good. Not even having the “I have got nothing to wear” drama. That’s when a strong nail varnish or lipstick can really help actually but when the confidence level is down red is not the first choice. It would attract too much attention. You need to be able to wear it and it is not always easy.

Me and my razor stayed friends luckily but I have many friends where razors were a distant memory (and you become a yeti ;-)). No judgement. I just hope that you can get back into the habit regardless who can see it or feel it 🙂 and don’t do it because I said so, do it for yourself and try to get that desire back. The need to feel your stunning (inner and outer) self every day.

Go out and get a nice nail varnish, a colourful lipstick and if you have some extra even a colourful top. Maybe check out a hair video on YouTube, go on Pinterest and copy an outfit, go for a run and show the world what is in you. Hopefully sooner or later every morning you will put on the most important accessories you can have and use: your smile!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friendSarah)


Next: It’s been a year


London is full of broken hearts

Living in London as a single person is the easiest. Why? Because this group is not the minority. Here being single is normal- almost expected. A buggy on the tube is not as common (except maybe at the weekend around the Natural History Museum). London very much exists on a different parallel to the rest of the country. The rest of the country is full of engaged women/ women expecting/women with all of it. But in London you can be free of any pressures. You can explore yourself and the city and grow with it. In fact you are sometimes forced to live with other single people (or couples) to be able to actually live. The good thing is that you have many choices to go out and learn, to experience and get to know people. However here is the difficult part. How to find that one girl who would go out with you to explore (something I used to struggle to achieve). All you can see and hear is the dating sites and how to get a guy. It’s everywhere but finding a friend is another story.

But luckily I was attracting single people like magnets. This is the force of nature. When you are in a relationship you go on double dates and trips and you love it! When you become single you fall out from this system and your social group changes. How to fit in and find your place again? Not as easy as it seems.

The more people I meet the more I realise that everybody has a story. And they are in different status e.g. happy to be alone or at least learnt how to be happy alone or, broken and in agony, lost, hurt and anywhere else in between. There is a common thing though regardless how bad or good they feel, usually their hearts were broken at some point and they all have a story. When you learn how to listen again you hear these stories and suddenly you feel better. Why? Because it makes you think. Human nature is tricky and we tend to feel better when someone has a worse story than ours, how bad is that?! But our empathy kicks in and we want to help. However we forget to feel sorry for ourselves. My nanny told me once that if everybody put their pain and problems in a bag and they put their bag in front of the door to swap, people would straight away take their own ones back. (She was old and wise and amazing.)

Time helps and you start to open up and see the bigger scheme and realise that the meaning of life is so much bigger and even though our story is huge and painful and it almost killed us, when you look at the bigger scheme you realise that you are really lucky with what you do have and you start to appreciate that. Your pain begins to shrink away. You appreciate everything you have. Your family, friends, job, any belongings you have but mainly the fact that you can still have someone to call…. Make sure you call though and you don’t close in. Open up and go out and concentrate on others a little bit. Then start to rethink your future. It is your life and you are the only one who can change it. You can waste it and you can make the most of it. You are in charge, you always have been. Now you have the time, power to shape it and direct it. This is your chance to be yourself. As a clever man once said: everybody else is taken.

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Being a “yeti” –  don’t let it happen!

be yourself