The girl with the 100 date challenge on Tinder

This Tinder craziness is something I could try and stay away from but I have to admit it is very entertaining and can cause a pointless addiction in no time. Surely it’s such a natural instinct to want to get to the end of a story, but the problem with Tinder is it is a never-ending story!

When my friend stayed for the weekend she introduced me to the Tinder world. Very simple and your judgment is based purely on appearance. And you can enjoy dismissing others without them finding out. Apparently it was designed for hook-ups and one night stands. My guess is that this is better suited for guys than girls, however not always. According to a friend “Girls go on Tinder to find a husband, guys go on Tinder for a one night stand!”. I couldn’t possibly comment on this.

This app is a very fast paced. Finding someone here is even faster than on Plenty of Fish, Match etc. I knew this girl who signed up after her break-up and got so excited at the beginning (adrenaline). It gave her the confidence she needed and even started an excel file with the dates she had. Only a couple of weeks later the steam ran out and she lost interest. One day she said this: “No matter how many I am meeting and how much time they each take, I realise there is no point. None of them are him (the ex, let’s call him John). I can try to meet them all whilst waiting for another exact “John” to turn up but it won’t happen. Cos they are not him. No one is like him.”

I could feel her pain. I couldn’t agree more. I needed such a long time to be able to look up. Hated everybody who was using the freaking “you need time” expression. But they were right of course. And she reached this point. I was so proud of her. She is a survivor. A smart one. Seeing her agony and fight how she digested this was very painful. This journey is never easy…

PS: when you are ready, your confidence is back and you feel that you are yourself again just go for it! When you are independent emotionally, you can see through players better and you are not desperate so you won’t put up with the ones normally you wouldn’t 😉

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: God save us all from married men!

tinder or no tinder

Tinder or no Tinder

Just shut the f*** up

Getting feedback from outsiders normally is more difficult because you can be the shiniest prettiest girl outside but if you don’t glow from inside, and if you don’t smile, people won’t be interested.

I met with my friend one day. She was very miserable. She didn’t smile, she was negative and she got upset because one particular guy hadn’t responded. I couldn’t hold myself back and told her if she was as miserable and uninterested as she was now with me then I wasn’t surprised he hadn’t called. I asked her to look inside and ask herself when she changed so much that her mood depended on a loser responding?! It really is his loss anyway. She is smart and pretty, honestly she is. The next day she called me and thanked me, explaining how much it helped to open her eyes. In three days her whole attitude changed. She started to concentrate on herself and all the things she likes doing and guess what, within a week she had three offers on the table! People feel you more than you think. If you are negative and you can only talk about the past and you don’t smile they won’t find you interesting. Also if you have lots on, instead of sitting at home and feeling bored, you do have a better chance to attract people and you will have good stories to share, which makes you interesting! It’s best if you know how to listen. I had a period when I said so much so fast to a new person cos I wanted them to like me and show them how nice I was, but instead I got told that I talk a lot and too fast and thus was very annoying. Not a big science is it. That’s when I told myself a nice little line: just shut the f*ck up! Worked perfectly.

The best book to read which helps you to love yourself again and find your confidence: Louise Hay – How to heal your life (this book is beyond amazing, it is a must)

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: The girl with the 100 date challenge on Tinder

See below my mobile display… –

Learn to listen

Learn to listen

Addicted to selfies – the power of feedback

Most of the people don’t realise how much feedback means to single people. Since I read a Dale Carnegie book* I understood the reasoning behind it. Before that, I just knew it. How do I know when a friend becomes single? Within days her Facebook is full of selfies. I have no problem with this by the way it is normal (I did the same). It is very easy to get addictive to this and count the likes. And at the beginning it does help a little bit but then again it is only a temporary fix.
When after many years of your daily feedback (as in somebody telling you how you look) suddenly stops it is very hard to find a new source to fill this gap. I used to be told how nice I looked or how good I am on a daily basis. Breaking up is not just a massive shock to the body but also massive shock to our confidence levels (in addition to
many other things). When you are lucky enough to be feeling stronger you realise it wasn’t your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. However you can still have confidence and self-esteem issues. Bye-bye self-esteem, see you later! The fear is palatable. All the paranoid thoughts are there. You think you were not good enough, you think there is something wrong with you. And how can a guy like someone like me, when I don’t have big boobs (just an example)?! We all have fears.

How to replace this nice feedback flood we used to get? You can’t really get it from outside as much anymore, you have to find it within yourself and just simply learn to know that you are amazing and no one should make you question that! I started shopping to get my confidence up- even though I literally only bought black clothes! However we soon realise that doesn’t help really either. So we start to work on our body, appearance and looks, which is a good thing actually (don’t stay at home and eat chocolate and get fat because you make your life even more difficult). Why do we always get bigger and lazier when we are in a relationship (well done if you are the exception)? We shouldn’t really but we do.

So ditch the shopping habit – old clothes are just as good, save your money! (Retail therapy does work, don’t get me wrong, just keep it minimal for now…)

So feeding our self-esteem will come from working inside/ out. We can work on our appearance as a good start, and taking photos of ourselves to post to social media will hopefully get you the comments and likes your confidence so needs. However especially important is to start doing things, which makes us proud of ourselves. It can be anything, charity, a course, exercise goals, or just learning to play a new instrument.

If you have a single friend be nice to her and compliment her, even if normally you don’t do it. It costs you nothing and you can make such a difference.

*(How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie – READ IT!)

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Just shut the f*** up

It’s my birthday and I am over 30…

It’s my birthday, it’s my birthday – I’mma spend my monneeeyyy!

I LOVE birthdays and I love making it special for others around me. However birthdays when you are single can sometimes be a challenging and emotional day. Especially over 30. How many times have I heard someone say “I am not going to celebrate over 30”? It becomes a day that people just want to get over and done with.

Negative thoughts creep in…  I am in my 30s and single, I have nothing to celebrate! I do have the odd negative thought about how I should be hurrying up too but I choose to ignore them (most of the time). What a shame though when we have these thoughts and pressures from ourselves and society!

I wish I could gather all of these people and tell them- Please don’t hide! Appreciate this magic day! Please think about this as the best day ever! I wish I could just explain to them how awesome birthdays can be! Anyone can make it awesome and it’s all about the mind-set! Personally I celebrate my birthday for practically the whole month but that’s a little bit extreme I know.

So how can we make birthdays memorable and how can we make sure to enjoy every second of it? I believe this is achieved through a positive mind-set, and achieving a positive mind-set all depends on how much effort you put into creating it. What you give is what you get!

Just to give you an idea this is how I do it.

  1. Sort out my attitude!
    The day will be the same but it’s all up to you if you put a smile on and enjoy and embrace that day or if you are miserable and you ruin it for yourself. Getting old is normal. Getting old means you are smarter, matured, you have more friends and I am sure you actually look so much better than ever. You know your values and you are not shy anymore. Love being over 30!

2. I book a ticket home (or travel home)! (Mentioned before)

As always being with your loved ones are the most important. Pick the weekend way upfront and send out an invitation. Pick the venue, choose the time, job done! I always start early so friends with kids can pop in. The good ones always turn up 🙂 Secret recipe: have no expectation who can make it and who can’t. If two of you are there it’s already a good night and you can shake your butt off and try all the bars. Also organise a family lunch on a Sunday. Let them love you and make you laugh! Homeland ticked!

3. I let people know at work it’s my birthday

Bake something special and organise a lunch out, it’s your day! Only of course if your colleagues are nice. Most of the time I have been lucky but I know the exception…

4. I book a day when it’s only me!

Find all the deals on the net and do the following: hairdresser, manicure & pedicure, message and shopping (I can’t do that for more than an hour, drives me nuts)! I would never miss that day! If you can afford it try something new you have never tried but always wanted. Skydiving is not just for 30 and you have cheaper options. Wine tasting, chocolate making, new sport etc.

5. Finally (if you live far from home like me) organise a cocktail night for everybody you know

Again no expectation on the number, over 30 quality what counts not quantity 😉 trust me! As a bonus I try to book a weekend somewhere else in the month but this one varies. Just be open minded and have some options.

This is your day (month)! Make the most of it and let people enjoy it with you!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Addicted to selfies – the power of feedback

Birthdays are the best

Birthdays are the best

Maintenance, friends with benefits and sex with the X

The heart knows what it wants right? (Erm… except when it doesn’t.) Same with the body! Most of the time my mind is in charge. However I would lie if I didn’t admit that sometimes the body is screaming and yelling, hormones take over and common sense does not prevail. Most of the time I am sensible but sometimes… and the worst we can do is to regret anything. By age my balance of sensible and in control to regrets and not in control, is getting better (thank god). In my twenties I made some silly decisions, if the little fairy came and I could ask her for some specific memory loss, some of these regrets would be included, no doubt. I bet I am not the only one who feels that way… I tend to mostly follow my instincts though. It keeps me safe. I have never had a one night stand in spite of my friends telling me that I am missing out. Oh well, maybe one day!

Throw sexual needs into the equation and I think being sensible becomes a little harder. I think it is pretty unfair that for guys regular sexual satisfaction and maintenance is completely acceptable. They are proud of it. The more the merrier. For girls however it is the opposite, you feel the need to be a little more discreet. Girls tend to punish themselves when single and getting over an ex, but to be ready to have sex again I strongly believe that you have to be steady in your head and heart. Make sure you take full responsibility for your decision. Know that you are not less, you are not bad and ensure sure you don’t drop your standards just because your body is craving sex/ you are feeling weak and or worthless. Also make sure you don’t use or hurt others and you are on the same page. I wish guys could keep this simple manner. It doesn’t matter if it’s only a one night stand or a planned “let’s watch a DVD together” type of thing, make sure you know what you are doing. I know so many stories where it started like this and they got married. Not sure if this is the majority though, never checked the statistics.

Friends with benefits is another useful thing or it can be anyway. The main problem is that girls are more likely to get hooked on it and feel that it is a kind-of relationship. Also it can make you lazy and you get into this catch 22 situation. On the one hand you get satisfaction but on the other you are not open enough, you aren’t looking up to see who else is around. You get stuck for a longtime and lose the opportunity to find someone who can actually make you happy. However granted there are times when it does work. Just recently one of my new friends told me that her “friend” after a year decided to change the status and now they are a couple. Then again: Not sure if this is the majority though, never checked the statistics.

Most of the time however the seemingly easiest option is to go back to the EX for sex. It is also the most dangerous one. It makes everything more complicated and painful. The healing process can last forever this way! Only do it if you have given yourself enough time and you can really do this without getting hurt. The ex won’t say no so it’s up to you to look after yourself.

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy. They don’t overthink things, they don’t feel guilty, they move on pretty fast and they tend to not get emotional so easily. For guys there is no extra baggage, only pure exercise and pleasure. Lucky them!

(Some broad sweeping stereotypes might have occurred in this blog. I acknowledge that not all men and women act in the same way. The majority of men and women are loving wonderful people.)

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: The first Meet Up

When the body knows...

When the body knows…

The first “To do list”

When my first ever plan (post breakup), became visible I started to write my ideas down. You can’t keep everything in your head, it is not possible! Even if you are really smart I recommend you get a notebook/ your phone and start to make your own plan. When you see something you like make a note. It can be a short course, a place, a movie, or a nice shirt, anything! Also start to write down your thoughts or feelings or a good quote you have just heard. It worked so well for me. When I didn’t know what to watch or where to go I just checked my notes. I created a new account and started to send my notes there and named the subject by the group (place, film etc…). Once you have this you have to make sure you review and start to plan ahead (just like with your shopping).

Make sure that family and friends are put first in your plans. You career is important but your colleagues won’t be there for you when you are in trouble. I love working hard and provide the best quality but now I am over 30 I do appreciate that I have a life and it’s not all about work. And if you are not happy in your job you should concentrate on getting another one. You spend most of your time at work so if it’s cr*p IT WILL UPSET THE BALANCE IN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. I used to be told “don’t worry about it is just work” but did I stop worrying at 5pm? Noooooo. Couldn’t switch off. But as a clever person once said; you are NOT a tree! You are mobile and you can move. How fortunate. It’s all up to you. If you stay don’t whine. If you whine make sure you try to change what is making you whine.

I had recently handed my notice in (time for a change) and was starting to concentrate on repairing the broken pieces of me, gluing them back together. I used much stronger glue this time. I am sure I am still breakable but now that I had mended the foundation I hoped it wouldn’t be as easy.

Sport helped me in general (sorting out body first) and due to the fact that dancing was expensive I did a 30 day shred DVD – which was awesome- and I started to run too. These were all part of my first plans and since then I have never looked back.

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Work friends… and some

The first plan

The first plan

Let time do the job!

One of my biggest problems is that I am not really a patient person… However I feel like the Universe has taught me well recently and given me plenty of opportunities to practice. Being on your own again is one of those practices. I knew I couldn’t/didn’t have it in me to start a new relationship, I knew I couldn’t start a new job just yet because I had to save first and I also knew that my friends were busy around Christmas. And I knew that I had just moved to a new City and new friendships do not happen overnight.

So I had time to pass (winter season btw). It was okay though because I didn’t have too much energy and my self-esteem was nowhere to be seen. So what to do when you need to switch off and heal? Yep, this is the right time to catch up with all the books, films and boxsets you have heard of recently. Personally, I wasn’t sure about 24, I was never brave enough to start it as I thought I would never get my life back. I had finished Dexter, watched Mad Men and read the Divergent trilogy and many others. But there were many others for me to lose myself in (see my collection on the 10 of something page). There is one rule you must remember when you are at this stage: Never watch love comedies! Instead of giving you hope that it can happen to you it will make you really depressed, you might think it’s not possible to feel lower than you already do, but you can-trust me!

I know it is not the best period and if you can force yourself to go out you are stronger than me but if you can’t, instead of crying (which isn’t great for your skin and general look so by this time I skipped this option for good) then it is easiest to put on a film/ grab a book, and lose yourself in another world. Let time do the job for you!

This period really helped me to “fade” those memories and the past in general. Eventually my brain started to clear out and even though there was a long way to go, I began to feel slightly more enthusiastic about everything again. The journey was still long from here but I was a step closer to finding my happiness again… and really soon I had a new plan to work on my body, soul and mind!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next:  New Year – Appreciate all that is great

Let time do the job

Let time do the job

The fear of living alone

Being single and living on your own can be really scary when you have no one around you. It’s only you.

You can’t get ill because no one will bring you anything in bed. You definitely can’t afford to break your arm or leg otherwise you are in serious trouble! (Not that I recommend breaking a bone if you are coupled.) Even if you have friends in the city it wouldn’t be enough. But when you are new in the town you have no one. Not long ago I was very proud of myself because I changed the fuse in my standing lamp. Yeaaah it only takes a minute but I ordered the fuse and did it myself. No one else needed. However as I was switching the light on something suddenly hit me. If I didn’t do it right and I got an electric shock, no one would find me. No one would miss me. Okay a little dramatic but still if something had happened… maybe my mum would start to worry around Sunday when I don’t call her, but not many others would notice at first! It shouldn’t be like this.

There is no way that I am the only one with this fear. I know that I can’t live in fear (cos it’s simply stupid) so I have to stop worrying and I know I will sort it out but it is still there.

Luckily I have some nice neighbours and although they wouldn’t necessarily knock for tea I think if I screamed loud enough they would come in. One of them even has a key to my flat; this is trust. Purely because I have to trust them as no one else I know lives nearby if I get locked out. The other neighbour is pretty cool as well. He lives there with Ted (his dog). He is a make-up artist and very talented. I wish he was my type as it would be a great love story. But instead we are just really good neighbours. (When I have too much food I give my neighbour and Ted some and I love going for a walk with them. Great company. Ted is super clever and the best alarm.)

This is the only time when I think a flat-share would have been better. More fun, lively and at least someone to bring you medicine and/or notice if you died from a faulty fuse!

PS: my journey has included many lessons about fear and how to keep it under control. The most important thing is: it’s all in your head, it is not real…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: It’s Christmas and I am single, so?

Fear

Fear – BSIL

“How long have you been single? “ – It is all relative isn’t it?

Oh you have to love this question. Almost as good as the other one-asked first: “Are you single?” The two questions everyone wants to ask. (If you’re not single, the next question is “Do you live with your partner/ when are you going to get married?” And if you’re married “Do you have children?” The questions never end!)

Anyway one question at a time. The “How long have you been single?” question… As it is not an open question it is quite hard to find the way out of answering. However this is what I say: “It’s all relative isn’t it?” And here is how I explain it…

Firstly you have to ask; what do you think being single means? Really? Once, a guy told me that he had been “single” for 3 years. I then asked him (as I severely doubted his statement) if he had been single for 3 years in the same way like I was single- properly and without any sexual interaction from another. Without a date? He was far too good looking to be alone for 3 years. Shallow but true.  I then asked him: “Are you telling me you haven’t been out with anyone for 3 years?!”

He smiled and then a few seconds later he corrected himself: “Okay I haven’t been in a relationship for a year”. I kept smiling and told him that I have two brothers.  Being direct I made it obvious that I didn’t believe he hadn’t slept with anyone for a year. I know I am naïve and have a lot to learn but I am not THAT naïve. Guys have their needs. So then finally he said: “Okay, I haven’t slept with anyone for 3 months…”

Exactly! And in truth it was probably last week (as they do say you should divide these things up anyway). This guy’s version of being single was that he hadn’t had a meaningful relationship in approx. 3 years. In my world, his relationship last year (and subsequent sexual relationships) meant he couldn’t claim to have been properly single. For him though it meant something different. And I guess that is fair enough. We all have our own versions of being single. For some it means being totally alone. For others it can mean going without sex. Maybe being single to you means you are dating but not committed or maybe being involved in a relationship you’re not fully into. It is subjective to the person answering.

Another issue I have is when I hear people reply “I have been happily single for a while.” We have to put in that we are happy as if to justify being single. It’s so sad that we can’t be a little more truthful, that we are okay but would love to love and be loved again. That we do not particularly enjoy being alone.

I guess if you are single or not, my issue should lie with the fact that we as a society feel the need to so casually ask people such intrusive questions. Remember though, if you do feel the need to ask someone if they are single… it depends on who you are asking.

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Who am I now?

It is all complex

It is all very complex…

Shock to the body

Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me! … And now I hope you are singing. Great start!

I believe the shock to your body as a result of no longer having, regular/if at all any, sex is important to mention. It is easy to assume that as girls we do not need sex as much as a man typically would. However suddenly no kisses, hugs, touching and of course no sex…It’s awful. When your body gets its fair share of sex, life is good and normally you are relaxed.  How many times have you encountered a frustrated colleague and you secretly think to yourself “Oh please just go home and get some sex, will you?” (Of course we are all nice, civilized young ladies and do not say that out loud…)

Not that I have ever used any drugs but I think having sex is a similar type of addiction. Addicted to pleasure. Even if you are not having sex, human nature (instinct) is a funny thing. Once a month my body is definitely telling me that it wants its some. I tell my body “Well tough s#!*” I am in control (and I am not a teenager anymore). Sooner or later you ease off yourself and you get used to not being touched, strangely you start to forget or believe that you used to have regular sex! Sometimes it made me wonder if I would even know how to kiss someone again!

I went for a massage around this time and it felt so strange to have somebody (albeit female) touch me again. Don’t get me wrong- I wasn’t turned on! It was just very strange to have hands on my body after months of having no one touch me.

When you are having sex, you are probably smiling, you are probably more confident and you are probably attracting more guys than ever! Why? Because you are glowing and it shows. When you are single this is the hardest challenge- to get this glow back without the help of someone else. Without sex. Without a rebound…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Damn rebound…

Shock to the the body

Shock to the the body