NEW YEAR – Appreciate all that is great

I might be the New Year’s Eve Grinch equivalent but I hate New Year’s Eve. A lot. It is an overpriced “must” and for me most of the time it is a disaster. I have learnt not to have any expectation (which is good regarding other things btw as well) so I don’t get disappointed but still. Best ones have been when I have stayed at home with friends or family. Quiet, nothing special – amazing.

Being single in London the first time at NY Eve put pressure on me. Obviously everybody wants to know where you will be at New Year’s Eve and I always said I was going to be with friends somewhere in London (had nothing planned of course). Luckily for me, and at the last minute, this really happened. Law of attraction! I was invited to London to spend time with a group of Spanish friends. We had a house party planned and tickets to a club. Of course when we got to the bar and even though it was before 10, there was a massive queue. And even though we had our tickets they wanted us to pay an extra £50-100 (can’t remember) to get in- this is London baby! Of course no one wanted to pay that amount right after Christmas so we started to walk around London. Finding a good place so late in the day is impossible. I had remembered though that there was a good pub at Liverpool Street, which was close by, and I hoped it would be open. And it was! Lucky us! Great people, affordable drink, fireworks on TV, good music, what else do you need? I also learnt a new tradition on that night. Spanish people eat grapes at midnight! Such a cool tradition! My night did work out well after all.

New Year’s Eve always brings with it hope. I never try to make any resolutions, no point, I probably wouldn’t keep to them and I get disappointed when I don’t. Instead I use it to value all of the good things in my life. To appreciate everything good that has happened in the previous year and I appreciate all that I have (not thinking about anything I don’t have).

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: The first “To do list”

My New Year

My New Year

Shock to the body

Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me! … And now I hope you are singing. Great start!

I believe the shock to your body as a result of no longer having, regular/if at all any, sex is important to mention. It is easy to assume that as girls we do not need sex as much as a man typically would. However suddenly no kisses, hugs, touching and of course no sex…It’s awful. When your body gets its fair share of sex, life is good and normally you are relaxed.  How many times have you encountered a frustrated colleague and you secretly think to yourself “Oh please just go home and get some sex, will you?” (Of course we are all nice, civilized young ladies and do not say that out loud…)

Not that I have ever used any drugs but I think having sex is a similar type of addiction. Addicted to pleasure. Even if you are not having sex, human nature (instinct) is a funny thing. Once a month my body is definitely telling me that it wants its some. I tell my body “Well tough s#!*” I am in control (and I am not a teenager anymore). Sooner or later you ease off yourself and you get used to not being touched, strangely you start to forget or believe that you used to have regular sex! Sometimes it made me wonder if I would even know how to kiss someone again!

I went for a massage around this time and it felt so strange to have somebody (albeit female) touch me again. Don’t get me wrong- I wasn’t turned on! It was just very strange to have hands on my body after months of having no one touch me.

When you are having sex, you are probably smiling, you are probably more confident and you are probably attracting more guys than ever! Why? Because you are glowing and it shows. When you are single this is the hardest challenge- to get this glow back without the help of someone else. Without sex. Without a rebound…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Damn rebound…

Shock to the the body

Shock to the the body

Getting over with going under …..

Even after a year I wasn’t overly comfortable receiving everyone’s comments, opinions and advice on my break-up. Admittedly sometimes the advice was good…but sometimes it was terrible. This is a CLASSIC piece of terrible advice (just couple of months after the break-up) therefore I can’t leave it out from my notes.

You break-up with someone and when those around you have nothing better to say they remind you of this magic little quote; “The best way to get over somebody, is to get under somebody else.” Who came up with this in the first place? Probably a bloke. Not a gentleman. Certainly not a lady. I mean I understand that it works for some and maybe mostly for guys (?) but most girls couldn’t do this straight-away without hurting themselves. And I have many female friends who agree. I think instead of fixing your confidence it actually ruins it. If you find someone and you “get under” him straight away there is a good chance that you will feel awful afterwards because you quickly realise that you have given your body to someone whom firstly, you probably wouldn’t normally have, and secondly it makes you miss everything about your ex even more! He isn’t your ex. He won’t replace him. If you can handle it (and I really don’t believe this happens often) but if you can and put it in the right place in your head then good for you! Just make sure you don’t regret it! Regret is a horrible thing…. However when you are so keen to do it because everybody says it will help, let’s be honest it probably won’t and instead it is likely to make you feel even more depressed.

Get your confidence without the help of getting under anybody! Make sure you don’t start to say those depressing words: “no one wants me/ I am not good enough/ I am worth nothing.” When a friend says this I feel the urge to shake them hoping they come to their senses. Don’t punish yourself. You are pretty, smart and sexy. Don’t question yourself. You are looking for someone too soon/ and most probably looking at the wrong person. Give yourself a bit of a break. Have a little faith!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Shock to the body

Don't regret...

Don’t regret…

The BIG Meltdown – it hits you sooner or later

Suddenly my adrenaline had ran out. It was now a few months after our break-up and it hit me (with force) that everything I had dreamed of was over. I had no more energy to keep pretending all was okay (I did a good job for 3 months). My heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I was beaten. My friend explained to me that it was similar to how you feel after being involved in a car crash. Your adrenalin is high immediately after (perhaps shock) but when it drops, you break down and come to terms with what has happened. Apparently most of us lose our sh*t around this point. My friend told me this theory straight after my break-up, when I felt okay… Fine, maybe I was in denial (?!). Maybe she was giving me a warning but I just remember thinking “Why does there have to be a come-down? Why can’t I just always feel okay?

Continue reading

Skeleton in the mirror

Two months were more than enough to lose 5kg without even trying too. I guess I am one of the lucky ones who loses weight instead of gaining it, when stressed. Lucky me! And I was eating (I swear) but I didn’t spend too much time thinking about my body. (I guess my mind was rather preoccupied with everything else) However it’s fair to say that very soon I didn’t look good, at all! All of my clothes were hanging off of me, and everything that made me look like a woman, was gone (yep, no boobs, no butt). In addition to this, everybody (whom I am sure had the very best intentions as always…) made sure to tell me that I looked way too skinny… Just in case I hadn’t already noticed?! (Nooo, I’m not an idiot and I’m not starving myself for fun…) Ahem. Continue reading


“You don’t love me, do you?”…. “No”… and BANG! That’s it. This is how easy it is to become single after 5 years. Being in a hotel room, via phone… I know, I know it is crap, it wasn’t planned but in a way it was for the better. The bonus is that you throw up and cry all night alone and then go to work and look and feel crap (and crap doesn’t even begin to describe this look). I had the privilege to do this for 3 days before I had to go back “home”  and face everything. Continue reading