Feeling happy and lost at the same time

In 8 whole years, without a doubt this is the second time I have felt absolutely crap, shit and lost…etc. This is the time when I wish I could teleport, when I hate myself for not being with the people I love and grew up with. All I want is to be able to be with them when things matter most….

I received the following text at 4.35 am: “it is happening…”

I couldn’t go back to sleep of course, it was too much excitement for me to handle. It was no surprise that on the following day, I wasn’t really productive. Normally I work my ass off so on this occasion I didn’t feel guilty at all. My eyes kept coming back to my phone every minute – all day – only to read “No new message”. Another hour passed and still I heard nothing. It is so easy to get addicted and dependent on the little buzz on that plastic square object. I know it wasn’t me who was going through the hardest time and it wasn’t me who had all the pressure, but it was me who was extremely nervous and excited and who prayed every second. I prayed “please God tell me that they are ok! Please let it be quick and easy.” It wasn’t quick, or it certainly didn’t feel like it anyway. The next message came at 16.45 pm: he arrived at 16.13, both mum and boy are doing well.

The amount of relief I felt is not something I can easily explain. The flood of emotions hit me so hard it knocked me over. Tears were running down on my face and I couldn’t stop. Two beautiful pictures appeared on my screen and I was simultaneously the happiest and the most upset person. I couldn’t be more delighted for my one and only best friend who has had the most amazing experience. She is a heroine and who has become a mum (an amazing and beautiful mum). And I couldn’t be with her, I couldn’t visit her, in fact I was thousands of miles away.  Suddenly I felt empty, I felt that nothing matters anymore. Who cares about work and money, carrier and path. This is what matters, this is where I should be. It was a wrong decision I know now. It was silly, so silly and I can’t stop blaming myself. I should just pack and go. Would I regret it? Maybe. Would I miss what I have built up again and achieved? More than likely. But right now nothing matters to me. Right now I can’t be where I want to be and where I am supposed to be. Right now I feel so lonely like never before. I can’t show my love or express myself, I just can’t explain how much it hurts. And at the same time I am so happy that it also hurts.

There is only one thing I hope you know my dearest friend: I love you!!! More than you could imagine.

Next: Good or nothing

(Author: An, checked by my lovely friend Rebecca)



Mother II – time is ticking

After a year break my mum felt the need to tell me that I should “hurry up”. For a year she was quite good she didn’t ask anything directly. She stuck to basic questions and subtle digging for information- asking me if I had met anyone nice etc… Desperately hoping that one day, I will break the news. Except that I didn’t. And her desperation for me to settle down became quite obvious. Luckily for me (unluckily for my dear mum) I have learnt to ignore her probing and not to take it too seriously.

One particular time she thought that I needed a reminder that I am not “that” young and I don’t have too much time to waste. That I should hurry up! Wasn’t a short conversation either…Nice one! She also explained that giving birth under 30 is much better and easier. (Really? I have never thought of that…) Like it has ever been my choice?! Well she can talk as she had two in her twenties and one when she was 33. I am well aware that I am not as young as she would like for me to be having babies but what shall I do? Shall I just go on the street and ask guys if they want a kid? Because my mum said so?! 

Most of the time I can bat her sense of disappointment away but sometimes it can hurt. Of course I know what she is saying and why but I worked really hard to wait for the right person and to not worry in the meantime. It can make a person upset and, worse still, in some cases it can send you off desperate to settle for any man! I would rather wait than be with someone who is not right just for the sake of it.

As I am writing this on the tube two handsome guys are sitting right in front of me. Yes, they are together of course, it’s London after all. And I am happy for them. However it reminds me so much how difficult it is going to be. Finding someone who is single, handsome and fun. It is a mission in London. I know I am picky (too right) because I would like someone who has got brain as well. They are not visible/ clearly labelled walking around though…
Sorry mum but this is going to take a while!

Dear Mums,

Please don’t give your kids all the wisdom and advice you can possibly think of! Please sometimes give them a break, allow them to find the right person, at their own speed and maybe just pray quietly…..

Thank you in advance
In the name of all the single girls on this planet

Next: One of those days

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)




Maintenance, friends with benefits and sex with the X

The heart knows what it wants right? (Erm… except when it doesn’t.) Same with the body! Most of the time my mind is in charge. However I would lie if I didn’t admit that sometimes the body is screaming and yelling, hormones take over and common sense does not prevail. Most of the time I am sensible but sometimes… and the worst we can do is to regret anything. By age my balance of sensible and in control to regrets and not in control, is getting better (thank god). In my twenties I made some silly decisions, if the little fairy came and I could ask her for some specific memory loss, some of these regrets would be included, no doubt. I bet I am not the only one who feels that way… I tend to mostly follow my instincts though. It keeps me safe. I have never had a one night stand in spite of my friends telling me that I am missing out. Oh well, maybe one day!

Throw sexual needs into the equation and I think being sensible becomes a little harder. I think it is pretty unfair that for guys regular sexual satisfaction and maintenance is completely acceptable. They are proud of it. The more the merrier. For girls however it is the opposite, you feel the need to be a little more discreet. Girls tend to punish themselves when single and getting over an ex, but to be ready to have sex again I strongly believe that you have to be steady in your head and heart. Make sure you take full responsibility for your decision. Know that you are not less, you are not bad and ensure sure you don’t drop your standards just because your body is craving sex/ you are feeling weak and or worthless. Also make sure you don’t use or hurt others and you are on the same page. I wish guys could keep this simple manner. It doesn’t matter if it’s only a one night stand or a planned “let’s watch a DVD together” type of thing, make sure you know what you are doing. I know so many stories where it started like this and they got married. Not sure if this is the majority though, never checked the statistics.

Friends with benefits is another useful thing or it can be anyway. The main problem is that girls are more likely to get hooked on it and feel that it is a kind-of relationship. Also it can make you lazy and you get into this catch 22 situation. On the one hand you get satisfaction but on the other you are not open enough, you aren’t looking up to see who else is around. You get stuck for a longtime and lose the opportunity to find someone who can actually make you happy. However granted there are times when it does work. Just recently one of my new friends told me that her “friend” after a year decided to change the status and now they are a couple. Then again: Not sure if this is the majority though, never checked the statistics.

Most of the time however the seemingly easiest option is to go back to the EX for sex. It is also the most dangerous one. It makes everything more complicated and painful. The healing process can last forever this way! Only do it if you have given yourself enough time and you can really do this without getting hurt. The ex won’t say no so it’s up to you to look after yourself.

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy. They don’t overthink things, they don’t feel guilty, they move on pretty fast and they tend to not get emotional so easily. For guys there is no extra baggage, only pure exercise and pleasure. Lucky them!

(Some broad sweeping stereotypes might have occurred in this blog. I acknowledge that not all men and women act in the same way. The majority of men and women are loving wonderful people.)

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: The first Meet Up

When the body knows...

When the body knows…

Who am I? – when the journey begins

I can be anyone! The girl in a suit, the girl in ripped jeans, the girl in the red high heels, and the girl in a hoody! Anyone. I can be anyone from the outside. But who am I inside? Am I a good girl or a bad girl? Am I smart or stupid? Am I a silly or a serious person? All of them are me. Many pieces of me. But when I am single (and therefore not putting the real me out there straight away) I worry I will lose my sense of self. Confidence level is low or no confidence at all…. Took me a very long time to get it back…

Why do I want to be liked or loved by everybody anyway? When I am down and full of fears any tiny criticism makes me cry, pathetic I know, but I couldn’t control it. Around this time (of writing this particular blog) my tears were flowing freely and I couldn’t stop them. I was scared I was forgetting who I really was. Finding that girl who could make others laugh, who would give, who was never tired and full of energy… who smiled a lot more. That girl was there and I needed to find her. Somehow.

Once again I realised the first, and best thing, to do was to meet with my faithful friends and family. I immediately felt free, like a bird, no strings, no filter, no judgment, no thinking. It was me, the true side of me. Everything begins with building up your confidence and self-esteem. To get it back is tough. It is a long and painful process- reflecting on yourself. How can you believe in yourself when there is no one close-by to tell you that you are amazing? I needed to get to a point where I believed- even if no one else ever did. I had to be proud of myself by doing the things I always wanted to do and not being afraid of showing off the real me. This is the key. And this is when my new journey started…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: The fear of living alone

The search

The search

How to find friends in London? – by “accident”

I have many friends, it’s a fact… My 3 best friends from school, who are the closest to me (I call ourselves the Fantastic4), live on 3 different continents. It is also a fact…. And they are all married 😉 Shall I continue? Being over 30 means that most of my friends are married with kids. Moving from one place to another after 7 years means that my friends are not close. And it is a challenge! When I moved to London I didn’t have many friends and of course “Friendships do not happen over-night!”. Let me tell you how I found my first amazing friend just 1 month after I had moved. I have felt many times that the Universe is looking after me. This time it couldn’t have been more obvious. I just moved to London, was feeling very lonely and had taken up dancing (the last fix pillar I had at the time).

One day after dancing, I went to Pret for a bite to eat and as usual there was no free table. I looked around and picked a pretty girl who was sitting on her own with a laptop. She had a great aura, she looked pleasant to eat next to, and I needed a seat. She said yes when I asked if I could join her table and for couple of minutes we didn’t talk. Then she started to talk to me about a scientific fact which sparked a great conversation. We have been really great friends ever since. I love her to bits. She is smart and fun. I think, honestly, she is my guardian angel. She was sent when I needed her the most. We clicked straight away.

In London this is how you make friends- randomly. When we said goodbye we exchanged email addresses and she invited me for thanksgiving which was a couple of weeks’ away. I was shocked. I was a stranger to her but she knew that it would be okay. And it was. I had the best night. It was my first big social-life test since being single.  It was the first time when I went to interact with so many strangers alone. I was scared and my confidence was down but I had a great time. It taught me to push my boundaries.

Since then I have met with many interesting people and I have heard many fascinating stories. I think one of my favourite people was a smart and gifted lady who happened to be a very famous goldsmith. She was making Mandela’s face out of jewelry. She was so unique and super talented.

My (guardian angel) friend has taught me when to shut up, she prepared me for my job interview (which I got) and every time we meet I am challenged and entertained. In such a short period of time my starving brain gets so much information and inspiration. Honestly she couldn’t ask for anything I wouldn’t do for her!

All good things happen when you give yourself a chance.

PS: once she waited 4 hours with me on Valentine’s day at the A&E! Why? I needed some antibiotics… Great piece of memory 🙂

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: “How long have you been single? “ – It is all relative, isn’t it?


Fantastic4 – Friends for almost 20 years…