It’s time to say goodbye

When you work in an office and every day is the same you really wish you had the opportunity to travel for a living and stay in nice hotels. But when you do that constantly you get sick of it really soon, as I found out. No one is ever happy, human nature! Just like girls with straight hair wanting curls and vice versa.
I can’t complain I had some sort of job, was independent but I didn’t have a life. I had to travel from London to Leeds at least every second week, sometimes every week (see previous posts). I was spending my week days in hotels. Loneliness reached a very different level, as I had so much time on the roads with my job (and many other things) to
reflect. M1 and A1 became my best friends, know them so well.
In the end I would work later than I had to and fill all silence with noise because it was better than being in the hotel room alone. I knew it was only temporary, I had my plans however filling up that massive emptiness in a different city was a challenge. At the first I used to go to the bar area to get some company, hoping I could meet interesting people. Yep, me being naive again I know. It was full of ageing men with a good salary who can’t wait for vulnerable pray like me. Argh. Come on old men, just be faithful please! My little trips to the bar stopped pretty quickly!

Dancing was the highlight. When Amy had a free night and we went for dinner was always the best. I am ever so grateful! I also went for a swim whenever I could and talked to random people in the sauna. I really think I tried everything to keep myself busy. It did help no doubt but happiness was far-far away…
Finally my last day at this job arrived. As usual, being on my own in the pool (around 9pm it is expected), I enjoyed my last swimming there. Water has a special effect, it really switches my mind off. To breathe and feel weightless. Magic! I had so many thoughts in my head, selection of emotions, it had to come out somehow. Therefore when I went back to the room I wrote one of my final “diary rhymes”. (Since then I have created a busier, happier life so have no time for rhymes anymore.) I knew everything would change after this particular day on the roads. I had only one interview on my last day at my job. I had absolutely nothing else lined up….

Three hundred and thirty, and it’s really not dirty
I am alone in the room, I cannot be wordy
It’s been for a year, it’s always only me
My final night is here and I am getting released

God put me here, to be on my own
Not to hear a sound, so I find the inner glow
I learnt to shut up and listen to myself
Not to get distracted, be happy in my head

To hear my own soul, (cos) it was lost in a hole
Found its way back, finally it grows
I was really alone, this room was my home
Living in a hotel, it wasn’t my goal

The tea in the draw, the pics on the wall
I swear I won’t miss it, I am ready to go
The number has changed but the rest stayed the same
I needed to get out and start a new game

Ten thousand miles, what I drove with my car
I sang the same songs like a million times
It was in York but not in the New
Shire is the end and the people are cool

I am ever so grateful, I can’t say a word
Everything I learnt here I really deserved
Things will be fine, I am standing at the door
Of course I am scared but this was my choice

Next: Ready for the next chapter

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

 

only some of them

only some of them

Being a deer…

I took a long break after my “Rebound”… it wasn’t long enough though….

Being a deer is painful sometimes. Once you have been a target a couple of times it makes you wonder: how many bullets do I have to take before I find my ‘stag’ who can protect me and hide with me in the forest. Who can keep them away… The one who makes you forget about the hunting season and all the fear and bad memories you have ever had.

Bambi time, as challenging as it was, luckily is over I have become a nice deer. Experiencing all the benefits; I can run faster, I can smell them sooner, I can hide better, I can fight smarter but they are always one step ahead. I can’t be protected enough. My fears are slowly fading and every time I get another bullet the healing process is much faster. Time really does have a magical, healing power.

The complication starts when you fall for the hunter. When the hunter is pretending to be your friend. When he plays the role so well that you can’t see through the mask. And you fall. You open up and let him in. No questions, no doubt… only this very strong feeling that it must be right. And this is when the bullet can hit your heart from so close and from such a direct angle that your chance to survive and heal is much less than before. When you don’t have to just survive the bleeding wound but you have to forgive yourself because you were wrong. You deal with guilt and you punish yourself for not seeing it (which is a waste of time so don’t).

And as a side effect you hide in the woods so deep that no one even can ever find you. You sacrifice the sun and the new things you could discover, you’d rather stay in the darkness and feel safe. Until eventually you wonder if you will ever find your way back again. No trust, no self-esteem.

Time goes by and the bad memories are fading. The hunt season starts again and you are exposed but you learnt something new again, you have your special senses now. You are smarter and faster than ever before. And even though you are still a target, you carefully dodge those bullets. You are invisible; you enjoy the sun without being exposed. When the hunters come they can’t fire, you are so close to them without fear that they don’t even look that close. You are not even in the woods anymore. You don’t need to hide: you are bulletproof. Unbreakable! You are the new you!

….and the deer becomes the hunter….

Next: Babies all around

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

being a deer

The fear of living alone

Being single and living on your own can be really scary when you have no one around you. It’s only you.

You can’t get ill because no one will bring you anything in bed. You definitely can’t afford to break your arm or leg otherwise you are in serious trouble! (Not that I recommend breaking a bone if you are coupled.) Even if you have friends in the city it wouldn’t be enough. But when you are new in the town you have no one. Not long ago I was very proud of myself because I changed the fuse in my standing lamp. Yeaaah it only takes a minute but I ordered the fuse and did it myself. No one else needed. However as I was switching the light on something suddenly hit me. If I didn’t do it right and I got an electric shock, no one would find me. No one would miss me. Okay a little dramatic but still if something had happened… maybe my mum would start to worry around Sunday when I don’t call her, but not many others would notice at first! It shouldn’t be like this.

There is no way that I am the only one with this fear. I know that I can’t live in fear (cos it’s simply stupid) so I have to stop worrying and I know I will sort it out but it is still there.

Luckily I have some nice neighbours and although they wouldn’t necessarily knock for tea I think if I screamed loud enough they would come in. One of them even has a key to my flat; this is trust. Purely because I have to trust them as no one else I know lives nearby if I get locked out. The other neighbour is pretty cool as well. He lives there with Ted (his dog). He is a make-up artist and very talented. I wish he was my type as it would be a great love story. But instead we are just really good neighbours. (When I have too much food I give my neighbour and Ted some and I love going for a walk with them. Great company. Ted is super clever and the best alarm.)

This is the only time when I think a flat-share would have been better. More fun, lively and at least someone to bring you medicine and/or notice if you died from a faulty fuse!

PS: my journey has included many lessons about fear and how to keep it under control. The most important thing is: it’s all in your head, it is not real…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: It’s Christmas and I am single, so?

Fear

Fear – BSIL