An 3.2 version

If you are still reading this you know my journey and you can easily understand why I am so grateful for this moment. We write and get inspired when we are sad. We need to let it out. Many teenagers (including me) are writing diaries for the same reason. It simply helps. How many songs and poems were born from pain and sadness. This time I would like to make sure it’s written when I am happy too. Not because I want to rub it in (that’s not me). It’s been a long journey since the big bang and I had “my share” I think. We all do. The biggest difference and how I measure my improvement is that nowadays I am able to enjoy what I have achieved so far. I feel completely balanced. Inside and outside as well. I am more than ok physically and emotionally, mentally and financially.  I am simply happy. Couldn’t complain even if I wanted to. Worked hard to get the job I always desired, being there where I hoped to be. (Yes, I got an amazing job straight away…. again…. I know I am freaking lucky)  I am attracting super people around me on a daily level. Based on the law of attraction recently all the right books, film, stories etc find me. Loving my new place (yes, moved again, it is London after all ), loving my new job and colleagues, loving my friends but mainly I am loving myself.

My whole inner game got sorted. I look up again, I walk straight. I smile all the time and be able to lough out loud. I am being able to inspire and motivate others again. Give them hope and energy.And yes, at this point I am still single. My calendar is finally booked with happiness. Always doing something good. Everything feels connected and every story has its meaning. Being positive and a natural giver again feels brilliant. Getting all the signs, doing all the things I meant to do, feeling all that energy through my veins. Watching the sunset, hearing the birds, seeing the nature in its true form. I am tasting food and enjoying the flavours. I am training the body and feeling the muscles. I am socializing and listening. I am studying and growing.

I am able to smile when I miss the last tube or my flight is delayed or I need to stay at work for longer or I make a mistake or someone doesn’t respond or just ignores me. I know who I am and what I am worth. No one can hurt me and I am confident. I am full of plans and I am looking only forward. It’s all about the mindset and positive thinking! It’s your life and you are the only one who can change it. It starts with now and it starts with a positive thought 🙂 Spread the love!

(Author: An, not edited)

Next: The next chapter

3.2

 

It’s all about the ring

Being single is one thing, people get the usual pressure from the society (over 30).  Nothing new, it is time to hurry up and find someone. When you are single you get used to it (see old posts below). When you are in a relationship for a long time however, you need to be prepared for another type of pressure…

The unavoidable question; “And when are you two going to get married? “Classic! I was lucky enough to “enjoy” this fascinating question for a year at least. Recently I have been talking to another friend who brought these memories back and made me realise how many of us have been through this or going through right now…

Being in a relationship for 5 years without “the” ring can make you feel doubtful. Even if you are not that type, people around you would remind you that subject every day, so eventually you start to raise these questions: “Does he still love me?”, “Does he plan with us?”, “Is he just lazy and wasting my time?”….. Worst dates in the diary: Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, 30th birthday, trip to Paris, Rome, Venice or Thailand (not a full list, I know). And this is the time when those nasty expectations can ruin everything because they only make people feeling disappointed. And disappointment can lead to bad decisions. Surprise pregnancy (the child will fix everything), getting on dating sites, having an affair, or just simply being happy because it is still better than being alone etc. 

I think it’s actually not about the ring. Happy couples do get married after 5-20 years and the ring is never a problem. It made me wonder why. The ring is only a symbol, the most important thing is communication and how the other person makes you feel. If he talks about the future, kids and expresses his love on a daily basis this fear doesn’t exist. Likewise if he never mentions the future, kids or the fact that you will get old together, you start to have this awful fear and you are probably right, something is not ok. And everything can fall apart pretty soon after.

It feels like a lifetime ago when I used to face this pressure every day. Due to the fact that this friend has just told me her story, my feelings from the past became crystal clear for a couple of minutes (those comments, the sadness). How people were checking my finger all the time, how he didn’t say anything when they asked us. Of course he didn’t, because he knew that what we had just wasn’t enough. I don’t blame him by the way, I know why he didn’t feel it and he was right.

I will never forget that moment when I got my birthday present, a trip to Venice (which is beautiful by the way and highly recommend it). I knew it would be our last trip. Being there where everybody holds hands and there is so much love in the air and many engagements on a daily basis. Except us of course. It was visible that we were not one of the many happy couples. We didn’t have it anymore. That special something was gone. Normally I take many pictures, that time I only took a few… This is how Venice could become a sad memory for a year or so.

Now I don’t mind to remember it at all. I only remember the good things of course. Time fixes everything. Two months later we weren’t together… According to my friends they all warned him not to take me to Venice if there is no ring.  But he loved me (just not enough) and wanted to make me happy. Guys really don’t think like girls. He really didn’t think it would be a problem. They looked at my hands after the trip, not his. Colleagues, family, friends and even my hairdresser.

I can really feel other people’s pain and doubts when they tell me about their fear and I don’t have an answer. I can’t give any advice and I wouldn’t. All I can say is that I know how you feel and I made one promise – I’d never ever ask couples about when and if they are planning to get married. And I’d never ask married couples when they want kids. And never ask them when the second one is coming. You just never know what they are going through. How long they have been trying or what other problems they have. Stick to the weather. English people talk about the weather all the time for a good reason. It’s safe….

(Author: An, not edited)

Next: Being out of practise 

its all about the ring

its all about the ring

Feeling happy and lost at the same time

In 8 whole years, without a doubt this is the second time I have felt absolutely crap, shit and lost…etc. This is the time when I wish I could teleport, when I hate myself for not being with the people I love and grew up with. All I want is to be able to be with them when things matter most….

I received the following text at 4.35 am: “it is happening…”

I couldn’t go back to sleep of course, it was too much excitement for me to handle. It was no surprise that on the following day, I wasn’t really productive. Normally I work my ass off so on this occasion I didn’t feel guilty at all. My eyes kept coming back to my phone every minute – all day – only to read “No new message”. Another hour passed and still I heard nothing. It is so easy to get addicted and dependent on the little buzz on that plastic square object. I know it wasn’t me who was going through the hardest time and it wasn’t me who had all the pressure, but it was me who was extremely nervous and excited and who prayed every second. I prayed “please God tell me that they are ok! Please let it be quick and easy.” It wasn’t quick, or it certainly didn’t feel like it anyway. The next message came at 16.45 pm: he arrived at 16.13, both mum and boy are doing well.

The amount of relief I felt is not something I can easily explain. The flood of emotions hit me so hard it knocked me over. Tears were running down on my face and I couldn’t stop. Two beautiful pictures appeared on my screen and I was simultaneously the happiest and the most upset person. I couldn’t be more delighted for my one and only best friend who has had the most amazing experience. She is a heroine and who has become a mum (an amazing and beautiful mum). And I couldn’t be with her, I couldn’t visit her, in fact I was thousands of miles away.  Suddenly I felt empty, I felt that nothing matters anymore. Who cares about work and money, carrier and path. This is what matters, this is where I should be. It was a wrong decision I know now. It was silly, so silly and I can’t stop blaming myself. I should just pack and go. Would I regret it? Maybe. Would I miss what I have built up again and achieved? More than likely. But right now nothing matters to me. Right now I can’t be where I want to be and where I am supposed to be. Right now I feel so lonely like never before. I can’t show my love or express myself, I just can’t explain how much it hurts. And at the same time I am so happy that it also hurts.

There is only one thing I hope you know my dearest friend: I love you!!! More than you could imagine.

Next: Good or nothing

(Author: An, checked by my lovely friend Rebecca)

addiction

Addiction

It’s been a year

Time is such a strange thing… It meant to be consistent but it never is. It never feels the same. At school when I had my exams time was never enough. When I am in a rush and waiting for a bus or train it feels like an eternity and every second passes very slowly. When happy, time flies. But what about when you are not happy?

This particular winter was the longest in my life. I had to travel 4-5 hours almost every week and stayed in hotels. The longest 6 months ever. No contact, no social life, no money. I had nothing but the routine of work. What makes me to think about this? Today I am celebrating my one-year of freedom!

One year ago my life changed completely….now I stand here and I am quickly measuring everything. The past and my present and my potential future. I am standing in my flat, exploring a new job and my social life is slowly picking up. My heart is slowly healing and I have so many plans that I am actually looking forward too. My eyes are turning wet, letting out the final drops (I know now that they were the last ones over him) and I cherish my memories and letting them go (or putting them in the right box). I am thankful for the 5 years and thankful for the journey after. It’s the first time that I wouldn’t change it all, the first time when I feel it’s going to be ok and it will work out. I like my new life and I can see all the opportunities. Having a bit more money means I can do some courses and thinking about all the dreams I would like to achieve. Sleeping is still a bit challenging and my confidence is damaged. I have a lot to sort out and learn. The journey is still on but today it is the end of an era, no regret, no sadness, only acceptance and feeling that I am on the good path…. It’s time to grow

PS: as you know this blog is a good year behind and I can tell you for sure that from this point everything changed. I have been looking only forward ever since! Being single for a year in London is a very easy thing, don’t think even for a second that anything is wrong with you. You are perfect, once you are ready and you open your eyes you will start to see again. See things you meant to see. Your brain can focus on things you desire. You just have to decide what you desire… And this can be more difficult than achieving those dreams and goals. My single life hasn’t stopped here therefore I can promise you that there are so much more to come, many lessons, ups and downs, challenges, happy moments and sad moments… 😉

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Sugar free – or something like that

it's time to grow

Being a deer…

I took a long break after my “Rebound”… it wasn’t long enough though….

Being a deer is painful sometimes. Once you have been a target a couple of times it makes you wonder: how many bullets do I have to take before I find my ‘stag’ who can protect me and hide with me in the forest. Who can keep them away… The one who makes you forget about the hunting season and all the fear and bad memories you have ever had.

Bambi time, as challenging as it was, luckily is over I have become a nice deer. Experiencing all the benefits; I can run faster, I can smell them sooner, I can hide better, I can fight smarter but they are always one step ahead. I can’t be protected enough. My fears are slowly fading and every time I get another bullet the healing process is much faster. Time really does have a magical, healing power.

The complication starts when you fall for the hunter. When the hunter is pretending to be your friend. When he plays the role so well that you can’t see through the mask. And you fall. You open up and let him in. No questions, no doubt… only this very strong feeling that it must be right. And this is when the bullet can hit your heart from so close and from such a direct angle that your chance to survive and heal is much less than before. When you don’t have to just survive the bleeding wound but you have to forgive yourself because you were wrong. You deal with guilt and you punish yourself for not seeing it (which is a waste of time so don’t).

And as a side effect you hide in the woods so deep that no one even can ever find you. You sacrifice the sun and the new things you could discover, you’d rather stay in the darkness and feel safe. Until eventually you wonder if you will ever find your way back again. No trust, no self-esteem.

Time goes by and the bad memories are fading. The hunt season starts again and you are exposed but you learnt something new again, you have your special senses now. You are smarter and faster than ever before. And even though you are still a target, you carefully dodge those bullets. You are invisible; you enjoy the sun without being exposed. When the hunters come they can’t fire, you are so close to them without fear that they don’t even look that close. You are not even in the woods anymore. You don’t need to hide: you are bulletproof. Unbreakable! You are the new you!

….and the deer becomes the hunter….

Next: Babies all around

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

being a deer

The girl with the 100 date challenge on Tinder

This Tinder craziness is something I could try and stay away from but I have to admit it is very entertaining and can cause a pointless addiction in no time. Surely it’s such a natural instinct to want to get to the end of a story, but the problem with Tinder is it is a never-ending story!

When my friend stayed for the weekend she introduced me to the Tinder world. Very simple and your judgment is based purely on appearance. And you can enjoy dismissing others without them finding out. Apparently it was designed for hook-ups and one night stands. My guess is that this is better suited for guys than girls, however not always. According to a friend “Girls go on Tinder to find a husband, guys go on Tinder for a one night stand!”. I couldn’t possibly comment on this.

This app is a very fast paced. Finding someone here is even faster than on Plenty of Fish, Match etc. I knew this girl who signed up after her break-up and got so excited at the beginning (adrenaline). It gave her the confidence she needed and even started an excel file with the dates she had. Only a couple of weeks later the steam ran out and she lost interest. One day she said this: “No matter how many I am meeting and how much time they each take, I realise there is no point. None of them are him (the ex, let’s call him John). I can try to meet them all whilst waiting for another exact “John” to turn up but it won’t happen. Cos they are not him. No one is like him.”

I could feel her pain. I couldn’t agree more. I needed such a long time to be able to look up. Hated everybody who was using the freaking “you need time” expression. But they were right of course. And she reached this point. I was so proud of her. She is a survivor. A smart one. Seeing her agony and fight how she digested this was very painful. This journey is never easy…

PS: when you are ready, your confidence is back and you feel that you are yourself again just go for it! When you are independent emotionally, you can see through players better and you are not desperate so you won’t put up with the ones normally you wouldn’t 😉

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: God save us all from married men!

tinder or no tinder

Tinder or no Tinder

Addicted to selfies – the power of feedback

Most of the people don’t realise how much feedback means to single people. Since I read a Dale Carnegie book* I understood the reasoning behind it. Before that, I just knew it. How do I know when a friend becomes single? Within days her Facebook is full of selfies. I have no problem with this by the way it is normal (I did the same). It is very easy to get addictive to this and count the likes. And at the beginning it does help a little bit but then again it is only a temporary fix.
When after many years of your daily feedback (as in somebody telling you how you look) suddenly stops it is very hard to find a new source to fill this gap. I used to be told how nice I looked or how good I am on a daily basis. Breaking up is not just a massive shock to the body but also massive shock to our confidence levels (in addition to
many other things). When you are lucky enough to be feeling stronger you realise it wasn’t your fault and there is nothing wrong with you. However you can still have confidence and self-esteem issues. Bye-bye self-esteem, see you later! The fear is palatable. All the paranoid thoughts are there. You think you were not good enough, you think there is something wrong with you. And how can a guy like someone like me, when I don’t have big boobs (just an example)?! We all have fears.

How to replace this nice feedback flood we used to get? You can’t really get it from outside as much anymore, you have to find it within yourself and just simply learn to know that you are amazing and no one should make you question that! I started shopping to get my confidence up- even though I literally only bought black clothes! However we soon realise that doesn’t help really either. So we start to work on our body, appearance and looks, which is a good thing actually (don’t stay at home and eat chocolate and get fat because you make your life even more difficult). Why do we always get bigger and lazier when we are in a relationship (well done if you are the exception)? We shouldn’t really but we do.

So ditch the shopping habit – old clothes are just as good, save your money! (Retail therapy does work, don’t get me wrong, just keep it minimal for now…)

So feeding our self-esteem will come from working inside/ out. We can work on our appearance as a good start, and taking photos of ourselves to post to social media will hopefully get you the comments and likes your confidence so needs. However especially important is to start doing things, which makes us proud of ourselves. It can be anything, charity, a course, exercise goals, or just learning to play a new instrument.

If you have a single friend be nice to her and compliment her, even if normally you don’t do it. It costs you nothing and you can make such a difference.

*(How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie – READ IT!)

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Just shut the f*** up