Feeling happy and lost at the same time

In 8 whole years, without a doubt this is the second time I have felt absolutely crap, shit and lost…etc. This is the time when I wish I could teleport, when I hate myself for not being with the people I love and grew up with. All I want is to be able to be with them when things matter most….

I received the following text at 4.35 am: “it is happening…”

I couldn’t go back to sleep of course, it was too much excitement for me to handle. It was no surprise that on the following day, I wasn’t really productive. Normally I work my ass off so on this occasion I didn’t feel guilty at all. My eyes kept coming back to my phone every minute – all day – only to read “No new message”. Another hour passed and still I heard nothing. It is so easy to get addicted and dependent on the little buzz on that plastic square object. I know it wasn’t me who was going through the hardest time and it wasn’t me who had all the pressure, but it was me who was extremely nervous and excited and who prayed every second. I prayed “please God tell me that they are ok! Please let it be quick and easy.” It wasn’t quick, or it certainly didn’t feel like it anyway. The next message came at 16.45 pm: he arrived at 16.13, both mum and boy are doing well.

The amount of relief I felt is not something I can easily explain. The flood of emotions hit me so hard it knocked me over. Tears were running down on my face and I couldn’t stop. Two beautiful pictures appeared on my screen and I was simultaneously the happiest and the most upset person. I couldn’t be more delighted for my one and only best friend who has had the most amazing experience. She is a heroine and who has become a mum (an amazing and beautiful mum). And I couldn’t be with her, I couldn’t visit her, in fact I was thousands of miles away.  Suddenly I felt empty, I felt that nothing matters anymore. Who cares about work and money, carrier and path. This is what matters, this is where I should be. It was a wrong decision I know now. It was silly, so silly and I can’t stop blaming myself. I should just pack and go. Would I regret it? Maybe. Would I miss what I have built up again and achieved? More than likely. But right now nothing matters to me. Right now I can’t be where I want to be and where I am supposed to be. Right now I feel so lonely like never before. I can’t show my love or express myself, I just can’t explain how much it hurts. And at the same time I am so happy that it also hurts.

There is only one thing I hope you know my dearest friend: I love you!!! More than you could imagine.

Next: Good or nothing

(Author: An, checked by my lovely friend Rebecca)



Travel and explore, feed your soul!

The good thing about living in London, that sooner or later, you know at least one person in every town or country around the world. The world opens up (if you stop feeling sorry for yourself of course and are getting out). And once you have this luxury you can start to travel on your own. After a year you might feel brave enough to start planning trips to different places.

Of course I had to save money but going to Scotland and visiting my friend in Edinburgh really didn’t cost more than £80. I love Scotland, it is beautiful! It was spring but very cold. The colours you see in Scotland seem to be so different, so vivid.

I visited friends, who are a couple, and I was the third wheel but it wasn’t a problem. They are not that type who would make out in front of others. No hugging and long sloppy kisses. Perfect! (lucky me!) And apart from the obvious questions about my sex life they really didn’t bother me with the usual boring stories, advice or questions, and they didn’t feel sorry for me! (At least they made a good show of pretending not to feel sorry for me. 😉 )

Being fantastic friends, they did what I needed the most after my dark, dull days and weeks in the winter (either working from home or living in hotels) they took me on trips to explore local nature reserves and exposed me to the fresh air. Bad moods and sadness simply do not exist when these kinds of views surround you. You open up in minutes and you breathe in the fresh air, you open up your eyes and appreciate just being there. When outside in places like this you smile constantly, a true and honest smile. You are alive and can see the world differently again (at least I did). I am part of this big world. Nothing is more relaxing than the sound of the sea (any water really). I know my pictures can’t show you how breathtaking the view was but I advise you all befriend a person from Scotland!

Next: Looking for a meditation class and finding something different…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Work friends… and some

I have many brothers which means I get on well with guys. I don’t know why, but I sometimes struggle with girls. I hated my best friend when we were 14 at the beginning! Oops. I have mainly always had male friends so no surprise that the one who supported me the most was a male friend again.

There was never anything between us, which is unusual I know but it’s true. He is amazing and I am really lucky to have him. We both know what it means to come out from a long dysfunctional relationship. We were the best movie buddies at this time. It helped that I love Transformers, Spider-Man, X-Man etc…another side effect of having brothers. Since he is happily settled in another relationship now we don’t go to the cinema anymore (really need a new movie buddy ASAP) but I know if I were ever in trouble or felt down he would be there for me and I would be there for him. How did I find him? At work of course! We used to be colleagues. Surprise, surprise! It is so easy to make friends at work, when you sit close to each other. If you click, you get close to these people no matter what, boys or girls. If you leave your job, then it is usually the case that you won’t see them again but some of them stay with you and make your life better. Some people though tend to mistake work relationships for love affairs and I guess I have some opinions on this. (Surprise- I have more to say!☺)

I have never cheated on anyone but I kind of understand why it is so common that colleagues have an affair. You see each other all day, you talk openly because it doesn’t interfere with real life and you don’t want anything from each other. Then before long you realise that you have become good friends and s/he knows more about you than anyone else and that you talk to him/her more than to your own partner. Even if you didn’t find him/her attractive at the beginning the inside glow can make someone very attractive. Also when things are not going well at home you look to the only other place you spend as much time, to seek comfort and familiarity. A colleague will (generally) listen, they boost your confidence and due to the fact that you do similar things they understand you. You begin to stay late at work because you are trying to avoid conflict at home- which makes it even worse.

Having said this (and I don’t judge anyone) you can resist and you can control your feelings. You don’t need to hurt your other halves for what could be a false ideal. You can be strong and you should be clever enough to realise that you should fix or end your relationship before you start to get more from others than from your partner. Very often these affairs wouldn’t function outside of work, because you get to see only one side of that person. Even if you had just one date you could realise that s/he is really not as good as your partner. Maybe he doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste or he doesn’t like to stay in bed late, etc…. You should always respect your partner enough and not cheat. Temptation is a funny thing but guilt is horrible and much worse. Try to fix it or end it.  That’s what I think anyway. Obviously, the truth is that it is your life in the end and it is not endless so it is your decision if you do something about it and make it better or if you remain unhappy and start to do those things you would have never done before- cheat.

Erm… I am not sure how I got here really when I only wanted to talk about my male friend and about the fact that how good it is when you have one!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Look forward and not backward


How to find friends in London? – by “accident”

I have many friends, it’s a fact… My 3 best friends from school, who are the closest to me (I call ourselves the Fantastic4), live on 3 different continents. It is also a fact…. And they are all married 😉 Shall I continue? Being over 30 means that most of my friends are married with kids. Moving from one place to another after 7 years means that my friends are not close. And it is a challenge! When I moved to London I didn’t have many friends and of course “Friendships do not happen over-night!”. Let me tell you how I found my first amazing friend just 1 month after I had moved. I have felt many times that the Universe is looking after me. This time it couldn’t have been more obvious. I just moved to London, was feeling very lonely and had taken up dancing (the last fix pillar I had at the time).

One day after dancing, I went to Pret for a bite to eat and as usual there was no free table. I looked around and picked a pretty girl who was sitting on her own with a laptop. She had a great aura, she looked pleasant to eat next to, and I needed a seat. She said yes when I asked if I could join her table and for couple of minutes we didn’t talk. Then she started to talk to me about a scientific fact which sparked a great conversation. We have been really great friends ever since. I love her to bits. She is smart and fun. I think, honestly, she is my guardian angel. She was sent when I needed her the most. We clicked straight away.

In London this is how you make friends- randomly. When we said goodbye we exchanged email addresses and she invited me for thanksgiving which was a couple of weeks’ away. I was shocked. I was a stranger to her but she knew that it would be okay. And it was. I had the best night. It was my first big social-life test since being single.  It was the first time when I went to interact with so many strangers alone. I was scared and my confidence was down but I had a great time. It taught me to push my boundaries.

Since then I have met with many interesting people and I have heard many fascinating stories. I think one of my favourite people was a smart and gifted lady who happened to be a very famous goldsmith. She was making Mandela’s face out of jewelry. She was so unique and super talented.

My (guardian angel) friend has taught me when to shut up, she prepared me for my job interview (which I got) and every time we meet I am challenged and entertained. In such a short period of time my starving brain gets so much information and inspiration. Honestly she couldn’t ask for anything I wouldn’t do for her!

All good things happen when you give yourself a chance.

PS: once she waited 4 hours with me on Valentine’s day at the A&E! Why? I needed some antibiotics… Great piece of memory 🙂

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: “How long have you been single? “ – It is all relative, isn’t it?


Fantastic4 – Friends for almost 20 years…