Being out of practise

What is wrong with the people nowadays? It seems that all the others want from a “date” is sex and let’s see what happens. When did the trend leave me behind? I know I was out of the market for a long time but when did everything change so much? What about having a drink and meet again? And holding hands and make it more exciting? Am I boring here? I am not saying that everybody is like this but what I have seen so far the new trend is like this: you meet, you go for it straight away without getting to know each other and it does’t work and the next one is on the agenda. Or actually many of them are on at the same time.

If you do run after a guy you don’t have a chance because you are desperate and it is obvious and very sad. And when you don’t run after a guy you don’t have a chance because they won’t run after you, they got used to it that they don’t have to do anything. Girls are running after them. How do you get one then? And how could you possibly be so outstanding, that in less than an hour, he thinks you are the one without going to bed straight away? If you don’t do it you are old fashioned and when you are do it you are a slut? Nice one!

This guy seemed really nice. He was young again so I knew I shouldn’t have started to talk to him at all at the first place but due to the fact that he was good looking I made an exception. (should’t be so picky right?) I shouldn’t have. When am I going to learn that I need to listen to the inner voice and alarm? He made me believe in such a short period of time that he is nice and not like others that honestly he deserves the Oscar. Brilliant performance. I thought I know better but you can always find a better performer. I am telling you someone is training them.

When he disappeared really soon after we met despite the fact that he seemed very nice and genuine what did my young friend say? Oh come on, don’t be so naïve, they all tell you the same that they want a relationship and not just hunting. This is part of their process. I really became and old woman, no doubt. I couldn’t understand it. If you want to have fun, why don’t you just say it? I hadn’t let anyone close for a long time and the first one I did let in was a freaking player again? I should do a course now. “How to recognise these idiots?”

Once they have got what they wanted they disappear. To be fair, when someone is like this, it doesn’t matter if you let him wait for a month or for a day, the outcome is the same. And you can’t really protect yourself from these ones; they know how to play the game. I guess sooner or later I will catch up and get better. It is expected that you don’t say a word after, does’t matter how bad he made you feel. However I don’t think it is fair that I have to accept that he was a prick and played with me and let me believe that he is a nice guy. Well, when someone says, “I am a nice guy” I turn around and run away!

If I could I would beat these ones up and make sure that they learn how to respect others. Why do they think they have the right to be a dick? There are so many girls who don’t mind just a fling. If he had told me that this is what he wants, I might have said yes and at least it would have been my decision as well. In this case he just made me feel really silly because I believed him. I am old enough and I really thought I am a good judge of characters. Clearly not! So unnecessary! He didn’t break my heart, no. After 5 years your heart does break. And it is painful. Not after this, this is nothing. It is just annoying more than anything. I am a big girl, it won’t ruin my self-esteem and make me think that something is wrong with me. I just hate them, that’s all. They don’t realize that you lose a piece of trust again, you get disappointed and you lose a little bit of faith as well. Do normal guys still exist? Or is it a myth? You build back a thicker wall; you grow more stings and become a proper hedgehog. And by the time the actual nice guy turns up you cannot trust and you don’t open up. How many times do we have to learn these lessons and harden up before you find the right one?

(Author: An, not edited)

Next: Asking for advice from a guy

no need to cry baby

No need to cry baby

 

It’s time to say goodbye

When you work in an office and every day is the same you really wish you had the opportunity to travel for a living and stay in nice hotels. But when you do that constantly you get sick of it really soon, as I found out. No one is ever happy, human nature! Just like girls with straight hair wanting curls and vice versa.
I can’t complain I had some sort of job, was independent but I didn’t have a life. I had to travel from London to Leeds at least every second week, sometimes every week (see previous posts). I was spending my week days in hotels. Loneliness reached a very different level, as I had so much time on the roads with my job (and many other things) to
reflect. M1 and A1 became my best friends, know them so well.
In the end I would work later than I had to and fill all silence with noise because it was better than being in the hotel room alone. I knew it was only temporary, I had my plans however filling up that massive emptiness in a different city was a challenge. At the first I used to go to the bar area to get some company, hoping I could meet interesting people. Yep, me being naive again I know. It was full of ageing men with a good salary who can’t wait for vulnerable pray like me. Argh. Come on old men, just be faithful please! My little trips to the bar stopped pretty quickly!

Dancing was the highlight. When Amy had a free night and we went for dinner was always the best. I am ever so grateful! I also went for a swim whenever I could and talked to random people in the sauna. I really think I tried everything to keep myself busy. It did help no doubt but happiness was far-far away…
Finally my last day at this job arrived. As usual, being on my own in the pool (around 9pm it is expected), I enjoyed my last swimming there. Water has a special effect, it really switches my mind off. To breathe and feel weightless. Magic! I had so many thoughts in my head, selection of emotions, it had to come out somehow. Therefore when I went back to the room I wrote one of my final “diary rhymes”. (Since then I have created a busier, happier life so have no time for rhymes anymore.) I knew everything would change after this particular day on the roads. I had only one interview on my last day at my job. I had absolutely nothing else lined up….

Three hundred and thirty, and it’s really not dirty
I am alone in the room, I cannot be wordy
It’s been for a year, it’s always only me
My final night is here and I am getting released

God put me here, to be on my own
Not to hear a sound, so I find the inner glow
I learnt to shut up and listen to myself
Not to get distracted, be happy in my head

To hear my own soul, (cos) it was lost in a hole
Found its way back, finally it grows
I was really alone, this room was my home
Living in a hotel, it wasn’t my goal

The tea in the draw, the pics on the wall
I swear I won’t miss it, I am ready to go
The number has changed but the rest stayed the same
I needed to get out and start a new game

Ten thousand miles, what I drove with my car
I sang the same songs like a million times
It was in York but not in the New
Shire is the end and the people are cool

I am ever so grateful, I can’t say a word
Everything I learnt here I really deserved
Things will be fine, I am standing at the door
Of course I am scared but this was my choice

Next: Ready for the next chapter

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

 

only some of them

only some of them