Being a deer…

I took a long break after my “Rebound”… it wasn’t long enough though….

Being a deer is painful sometimes. Once you have been a target a couple of times it makes you wonder: how many bullets do I have to take before I find my ‘stag’ who can protect me and hide with me in the forest. Who can keep them away… The one who makes you forget about the hunting season and all the fear and bad memories you have ever had.

Bambi time, as challenging as it was, luckily is over I have become a nice deer. Experiencing all the benefits; I can run faster, I can smell them sooner, I can hide better, I can fight smarter but they are always one step ahead. I can’t be protected enough. My fears are slowly fading and every time I get another bullet the healing process is much faster. Time really does have a magical, healing power.

The complication starts when you fall for the hunter. When the hunter is pretending to be your friend. When he plays the role so well that you can’t see through the mask. And you fall. You open up and let him in. No questions, no doubt… only this very strong feeling that it must be right. And this is when the bullet can hit your heart from so close and from such a direct angle that your chance to survive and heal is much less than before. When you don’t have to just survive the bleeding wound but you have to forgive yourself because you were wrong. You deal with guilt and you punish yourself for not seeing it (which is a waste of time so don’t).

And as a side effect you hide in the woods so deep that no one even can ever find you. You sacrifice the sun and the new things you could discover, you’d rather stay in the darkness and feel safe. Until eventually you wonder if you will ever find your way back again. No trust, no self-esteem.

Time goes by and the bad memories are fading. The hunt season starts again and you are exposed but you learnt something new again, you have your special senses now. You are smarter and faster than ever before. And even though you are still a target, you carefully dodge those bullets. You are invisible; you enjoy the sun without being exposed. When the hunters come they can’t fire, you are so close to them without fear that they don’t even look that close. You are not even in the woods anymore. You don’t need to hide: you are bulletproof. Unbreakable! You are the new you!

….and the deer becomes the hunter….

Next: Babies all around

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

being a deer

Whatever happens in Dreamland…

It’s autumn…. The “6 months” darkness is coming and day by day it’s getting harder and harder to get out of the bed…. Finding a good reason to start the day…and make the most of it!

And this is the time when it is so easy to be trapped in Dreamland….

Have you have ever had that need to be in dreamland all the time? Because it’s safe? Dreamland is as perfect as you imagine it. In dreamland no one can hurt you. Everyone and everything are amazing. I wouldn’t call regularly escaping to a dreamland a form of depression. But it can quickly escalate to regularly feeling like reality is unbearable. I am not an expert, I can only talk from my own experience. It gives a break to the brain and allow us to relax a little bit. So in general dreamland is good, the problem starts when you spend far too much time there!

Yep, as much as I hate to admit it, I have done this. It’s awful. Well, I didn’t like it anyway. Ultimately though dreamland is fake and takes away every precious moment of life. It can be very hard to break out of but I hope you can and wish you all the best to not waste another moment. Reality is waiting for you! You can give yourself a day every now and then and that’s it. You shake it off and carry on! You will regret any seconds you don’t spend doing something better and more valuable. Reality will never be like this (or at least close to it) if you get stuck in dreamland. Dreamland is easy and it’s an escape. Fight against it and make sure you recognise it so you don’t get stuck in that world. Where everything is nice and beautiful. Where you are happy. Wanted, confident and not alone! Get out of there! Find your real world and do something about your unhappiness with it.

Yes it can be challenging sometimes, yes you might get hurt and yes it might be hard but it’s worth it. Simply because it will be real! And whatever you achieve will make you satisfied and you will start to glow and get more energy day by day. Allow yourself a night with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a glass of wine, a nice bath, a good film/ series, switch off and the next day wake up and carry on! Desire reality 🙂

Next: Travel and explore, feed your soul!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Dreamland

When no one is calling, you need to start calling

Having your heart broken is hard on you and your pain and suffering results in you receiving a lot of immediate support and sympathy (I did anyway). This is great. We all need this and most of us tend to lap it up, by the bucket-load! However this sympathy runs out reasonably fast, especially when people believe that you are strong and that you appear fine (that’s the image you are probably presenting to the world right now anyway). Also, naturally, they might think that you don’t want to keep being reminded of your unhappiness, so they stop asking you how you are getting on, and they get on with their own lives (naturally).   Let’s be frank about why this might be. Firstly, you remind them of a great fear, it can happen to anyone. Secondly, you are more than likely to be a bit of an energy-sucker (no offence! I was the same) at this period in your life and not all can take it, only the best ones can. Continue reading

Dancing keeps you alive

When you lose one of your key components in life (I call them pillars: family, partner, friends, home, job, hobby) it is really easy to think that everything is altogether lost. Especially when you lose more than one at the time. It is very challenging to concentrate on what we still have. Living so far away from my family, in a new area, and having lost the person I loved the most so far, I didn’t know how to make myself feel safe. I didn’t know how to make myself feel better. I wanted to rest and not to think about what had happened but sleep was not possible, as my brain tried so hard to find a solution to fix everything.

Continue reading