Good or nothing…

I have met some guys recently….

I wouldn’t call them “dates” but my friend is constantly  laughing at me because I am meeting with guys and I don’t even realise that they are dates. Maybe I am naïve or maybe I am right, who knows. Regardless, I have many male friends and I think it is normal. Anyway, let’s get to the point.

I have met with this nice guy and very soon he made some observations that I have found very negative. It is not important what he said and I am pretty sure he didn’t want to be mean but soon enough I put a wall up and I started to be very quiet (so not like me!). He didn’t notice it at all. Made me wonder why I took it so personally, I shouldn’t have. I know who I am, what I am worth and my confidence is ok (finally). But at the same time my gut feeling told me to run away. Why? Because I don’t need anyone around me who likes picking on me or on others actually. It is not inspiring at all. Who wants to be judged or criticised especially by someone who doesn’t even know you? No one is perfect and this is the best part. And I have thought of someone from my past. Made me realised how positive he was and why I missed him so much, he is the exact opposite. He would never say anything bad about anyone, he talks about his family and friends with so much love.  And he has the ability to make you feel special.

And all of this taught me two lessons. First of all, I started to pay attention to my own comments and making sure I don’t say anything negative and I don’t judge or criticise. Sometimes I am quite sarcastic so I do have to be careful. And the second lesson I have learnt is even better. Whenever I notice that someone is doing this I know straight away that it won’t work (guy or girl) and I cut it short. When someone has this attitude I know for sure we won’t click at all. This is something I really don’t like and it puts me off. At the end of the day who wants to be told on a daily basis that you are not good enough or you do this and this wrong instead of being surrounded with people who bring out the best of you and encourage you to do even better. BE POSITIVE! I believe in this more than anything.

There is a very thin line between being “helpful” and actually telling someone what to do or highlighting that they are doing something “wrong” (and maybe it is not wrong at all anyway). I am still learning this and no one is perfect, the key is that you recognise your weaknesses and you do your best to improve.

(Author: An, not edited)

Next: it’s all about the ring

BE POSITIVE

BE POSITIVE

Don’t lose that little spark of madness…

No clue where I read this but it really made me think. I used to say that normal people are boring. (It is in fact a bit of a dream to get it printed on a t-shirt.)

So when someone calls me crazy I take it is a compliment. Why would you want to be exactly the same as someone else? I do have a job and enjoy other “normality’s” such as a living in a home etc… But it doesn’t mean I am not a complete… well… idiot/ geek, as well.

Just ask my friends. If you can’t overcome your ego and lose yourself in a moment or look a bit silly from time to time you must surely get bored!?

And I bet you get attracted to the people who are brave enough to be silly or crazy too. Have you ever felt that you are going/or just always are, a bit nuts? Fantastic! This is great! It means you are doing well and you are not afraid of being different. Tap your back quickly and carry on.

What I love about London is that you cannot stand out. Ok maybe if you are naked but honestly any state in between is pretty much accepted. You are like everybody else you are one of millions.

For my whole life I have been buying black clothes cos it is safe but I always admire people who wear colours. They are cool, and they tend to get positive attention. I have learnt to trick myself though, now I go shopping with friends and I tell them that they can’t let me buy black. Works every time (and i still wear black most of the time).

Biggest mistake is to go shopping after you break up. I bet you buy only black clothes (mentioned before). And six months later you have to buy everything again. I do believe that you should buy clothes which reflect your moods, tastes and events in your life but just try to add colour wherever possible! Maybe even a splash of colour to your nails will do the trick. Personally I had to be over 30 to bring myself to wear red nail varnish.

Anyway, what I meant about madness and craziness is that you don’t always have to be perfect. You can act like an idiot, you can make people laugh at you and not only with you. You can let yourself go and dance silly. You can talk rubbish and dress like a clown. It doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you know who you are and how much you are worth. You have to make sure you know that you being different is a good thing. You don’t need to be a blondie with big boobs to be happy. Don’t think that you are single because you can’t offer this. You would attract the wrong people. So like always your confidence and self-esteem is the most important. BE YOURSELF!!! Good old advice but still applies. Work on it just like you work on your body. I am pretty good at underestimating myself so I can talk 🙂 … well write!

Next: When the universe is playing up

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

my crazy world

my crazy world

Being single is not a disease

It’s crazy how scared girls can be of becoming single. Some feel the stigma so strong and are so scared of this status that they would rather stay in a shitty relationship! In extreme cases they get beaten up or put up with an alcoholic a**hole just because they are scared to be own their own. Scared to be independent? Perhaps the fear of loneliness makes them stay or they can’t even see it because everything looks different when you are in a situation like this. Always looks more obvious from the outside. I find it even sadder when somebody tries to build up a fantasy world, faking their happiness.

I am not judging here by the way, I am a big believer in “everybody f*cking up their lives uniquely personal to them”.

Is it really better though to stay in an unhappy relationship just to avoid being single? You can easily waste your time by staying and ending up being single, just not by choice, anyway! The longer you stay the harder it gets.

I have heard this story from my friend who has been single for a couple of years (a fun, gorgeous and smart girl) that her friend once started to cry when she got dumped and got genuinely choked up when she said this: “oh my god, I am going to be single just like you! I can’t believe this, what am I going to do?” My friend of course looked at her and responded calmly. “Don’t worry, it’s not a disease, you will live!”

I don’t have to explain that the other girl is the type of girl who is bloody desperate to find a guy and can never see how lucky she is and how happy she could be if she stopped thinking that life is awful only because she is “alone”.

Some other girls love making a move on their friend’s boyfriends or guys they fancy. Why? Cos this is the exact thing which helps with her confidence. Also they are incapable of selecting on their own, they need to rely on others decisions. Don’t judge, it happens. I don’t think they choose to be this way. For their own benefit hopefully they change and start to grow. If they don’t it is very likely that the whole finding a boyfriend process will take longer.

And I guess I should stop right here 😉

Next: How about a one-bight stand?

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

beingsingle

Mother II – time is ticking

After a year break my mum felt the need to tell me that I should “hurry up”. For a year she was quite good she didn’t ask anything directly. She stuck to basic questions and subtle digging for information- asking me if I had met anyone nice etc… Desperately hoping that one day, I will break the news. Except that I didn’t. And her desperation for me to settle down became quite obvious. Luckily for me (unluckily for my dear mum) I have learnt to ignore her probing and not to take it too seriously.

One particular time she thought that I needed a reminder that I am not “that” young and I don’t have too much time to waste. That I should hurry up! Wasn’t a short conversation either…Nice one! She also explained that giving birth under 30 is much better and easier. (Really? I have never thought of that…) Like it has ever been my choice?! Well she can talk as she had two in her twenties and one when she was 33. I am well aware that I am not as young as she would like for me to be having babies but what shall I do? Shall I just go on the street and ask guys if they want a kid? Because my mum said so?! 

Most of the time I can bat her sense of disappointment away but sometimes it can hurt. Of course I know what she is saying and why but I worked really hard to wait for the right person and to not worry in the meantime. It can make a person upset and, worse still, in some cases it can send you off desperate to settle for any man! I would rather wait than be with someone who is not right just for the sake of it.

As I am writing this on the tube two handsome guys are sitting right in front of me. Yes, they are together of course, it’s London after all. And I am happy for them. However it reminds me so much how difficult it is going to be. Finding someone who is single, handsome and fun. It is a mission in London. I know I am picky (too right) because I would like someone who has got brain as well. They are not visible/ clearly labelled walking around though…
Sorry mum but this is going to take a while!

Dear Mums,

Please don’t give your kids all the wisdom and advice you can possibly think of! Please sometimes give them a break, allow them to find the right person, at their own speed and maybe just pray quietly…..

Thank you in advance
In the name of all the single girls on this planet

Next: One of those days

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Advice

Advice

 

Babies all around – no need to worry

I don’t believe that is only single people who get pressured from society. “Are you looking for someone? You are not getting any younger!” (Really?! Thanks for pointing it out, makes me feel much better. More about this next week). One of my best friend just explained how people don’t seem to accept if you don’t decide on the name of the baby when you are expecting or (worse) if you don’t share it with them. Ridiculous. This is just one example though, there is no one who would be an exception. Asking from single people why they are single, from couples when they get married, from married couples why they don’t have a baby yet – IS NOT fair! Please don’t do it! You never know what can be the real reason. 

Being over 30 means that whenever I go home I visit babies. Babies all around! Which I genuinely love! It means that I can spend precious time with my friends (they are always at home and available -> bonus). We enjoy taking the babies for a walk, get a cake or a coffee (or both). Also my mum friends appreciate the adult company or, even the tiniest luxury like going to the toilet themselves (you can only understand this when you have been there)! Times like these I am never jealous! I love them so much and I am happy for them but I would never swap places with them. I would like my own story and also their hubbies would drive me nuts (I swear). And I it is very nice that they don’t feel sorry for me just because I am single. They know me well 😉

One of my wise friends told me once that being jealous is normal and it’s very human. The main question is and what shows that you are intelligent, is if you can handle it and get over it super fast. Don’t mention it to the other person and don’t get depressed. No point (waste of time). And just to even the balance I am sure they wouldn’t swap places with me. Even when sometimes in those very vulnerable, raw and honest moments I hear (and see) that my mum friends are utterly exhausted! They don’t have time for sleeping or doing any kind of basic pampering for themselves. They haven’t seen any films or read a book. But we know it’s not good or bad. It’s different. It’s just different to my life. Another friend told me this once which I can’t argue with: whatever period in your life you’re in, make the most of it cos it will never come back. And it’s true when you are single and also true when you have children. You might go insane but to be fair for the love you get from your kids it is totally worth it. And they grow up so fast- that time will never come back. And when you are single you can travel, try out everything, learn new things, meet with amazing people, discover yourself and so much more! I think we should all appreciate what we do have, enjoy it and make the most of it! 

Next: Mother II – time is ticking

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

babies

Love them all!

 

Being a deer…

I took a long break after my “Rebound”… it wasn’t long enough though….

Being a deer is painful sometimes. Once you have been a target a couple of times it makes you wonder: how many bullets do I have to take before I find my ‘stag’ who can protect me and hide with me in the forest. Who can keep them away… The one who makes you forget about the hunting season and all the fear and bad memories you have ever had.

Bambi time, as challenging as it was, luckily is over I have become a nice deer. Experiencing all the benefits; I can run faster, I can smell them sooner, I can hide better, I can fight smarter but they are always one step ahead. I can’t be protected enough. My fears are slowly fading and every time I get another bullet the healing process is much faster. Time really does have a magical, healing power.

The complication starts when you fall for the hunter. When the hunter is pretending to be your friend. When he plays the role so well that you can’t see through the mask. And you fall. You open up and let him in. No questions, no doubt… only this very strong feeling that it must be right. And this is when the bullet can hit your heart from so close and from such a direct angle that your chance to survive and heal is much less than before. When you don’t have to just survive the bleeding wound but you have to forgive yourself because you were wrong. You deal with guilt and you punish yourself for not seeing it (which is a waste of time so don’t).

And as a side effect you hide in the woods so deep that no one even can ever find you. You sacrifice the sun and the new things you could discover, you’d rather stay in the darkness and feel safe. Until eventually you wonder if you will ever find your way back again. No trust, no self-esteem.

Time goes by and the bad memories are fading. The hunt season starts again and you are exposed but you learnt something new again, you have your special senses now. You are smarter and faster than ever before. And even though you are still a target, you carefully dodge those bullets. You are invisible; you enjoy the sun without being exposed. When the hunters come they can’t fire, you are so close to them without fear that they don’t even look that close. You are not even in the woods anymore. You don’t need to hide: you are bulletproof. Unbreakable! You are the new you!

….and the deer becomes the hunter….

Next: Babies all around

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

being a deer

He is just not that into you

“When they stop texting they simply stopped being interested and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. Cos he is Just. Not. That. Into. You. Always happens when you fall for someone really badly of course…”

So when someone doesn’t respond within a day and just ignores me I always have this urge to end a conversation. Just end it straight away, clear cut. No games. I don’t need to waste time on thinking why he hasn’t texted etc. Why is that though? Is it because I am a girl? Or is it because I am an analyst? Why do I need a closure or an end? Honestly it is so trying to be able to resist finishing a conversation, or not sending a text saying “Okay Mr Idiot it’s so over! I agree! I get it” But I try to not text back because I try to remember that I will lose the last thing I have control of- my self-respect. It’s not worth it.

If they do not realise how awesome you are it is their loss. It is simple as that. Never wait for their response for too long. It is a waste of time. Stop your mind from spending hours to dream about something, which will never happen. Life is too short.  I can’t repeat myself enough. Once your self-esteem is back you won’t wait for anyone’s response though. You won’t care I promise. You should know who you are and how much you are worth and be confident that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Don’t blame yourself. People sometimes do not click, it happens. Let’s move on.  If they care they will text you and they won’t wait for days with a silly response. When someone starts to play that game I send them away or stop texting them. They are time wasters, nothing else.

I can hear my best friend saying in my head: “Am I right to say that you are negative a bit recently?” I guess I am, yes! Even without being on these brilliant dating apps and websites I attract more idiots than I desire, so I have my right to be slightly negative sometimes. Just give me a break.

I have learnt not to open up as it scares them away, and not be too kind because they tend to throw it back in your face. And I can physically feel my heart harden up. Slowly becoming cynical and sour and over-protective. I am building that massive invisible wall (good luck to anyone to break that one). My mum always told me not to kick a person when their down. It is such a shame that not everybody was taught this lesson. These “players” do not respect kindness and morals. Hurting someone else’s feelings for some quick smug fix, is in my eyes the lowest you can go.

I know I am direct, too direct sometimes, but we are old enough to be straightforward and to follow what we want. There are so many girls and boys who don’t mind to just have some fun so just be open and find those. Leave those alone who want more.

However, to be fair, I still believe and hope that if it is the right person they will appreciate me and not be scared by my knowing what I want. There is no such a thing as being too much of yourself if someone is actually, truly, interested and not just playing.

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Dreamland

The girl with the 100 date challenge on Tinder

This Tinder craziness is something I could try and stay away from but I have to admit it is very entertaining and can cause a pointless addiction in no time. Surely it’s such a natural instinct to want to get to the end of a story, but the problem with Tinder is it is a never-ending story!

When my friend stayed for the weekend she introduced me to the Tinder world. Very simple and your judgment is based purely on appearance. And you can enjoy dismissing others without them finding out. Apparently it was designed for hook-ups and one night stands. My guess is that this is better suited for guys than girls, however not always. According to a friend “Girls go on Tinder to find a husband, guys go on Tinder for a one night stand!”. I couldn’t possibly comment on this.

This app is a very fast paced. Finding someone here is even faster than on Plenty of Fish, Match etc. I knew this girl who signed up after her break-up and got so excited at the beginning (adrenaline). It gave her the confidence she needed and even started an excel file with the dates she had. Only a couple of weeks later the steam ran out and she lost interest. One day she said this: “No matter how many I am meeting and how much time they each take, I realise there is no point. None of them are him (the ex, let’s call him John). I can try to meet them all whilst waiting for another exact “John” to turn up but it won’t happen. Cos they are not him. No one is like him.”

I could feel her pain. I couldn’t agree more. I needed such a long time to be able to look up. Hated everybody who was using the freaking “you need time” expression. But they were right of course. And she reached this point. I was so proud of her. She is a survivor. A smart one. Seeing her agony and fight how she digested this was very painful. This journey is never easy…

PS: when you are ready, your confidence is back and you feel that you are yourself again just go for it! When you are independent emotionally, you can see through players better and you are not desperate so you won’t put up with the ones normally you wouldn’t 😉

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: God save us all from married men!

tinder or no tinder

Tinder or no Tinder

Maintenance, friends with benefits and sex with the X

The heart knows what it wants right? (Erm… except when it doesn’t.) Same with the body! Most of the time my mind is in charge. However I would lie if I didn’t admit that sometimes the body is screaming and yelling, hormones take over and common sense does not prevail. Most of the time I am sensible but sometimes… and the worst we can do is to regret anything. By age my balance of sensible and in control to regrets and not in control, is getting better (thank god). In my twenties I made some silly decisions, if the little fairy came and I could ask her for some specific memory loss, some of these regrets would be included, no doubt. I bet I am not the only one who feels that way… I tend to mostly follow my instincts though. It keeps me safe. I have never had a one night stand in spite of my friends telling me that I am missing out. Oh well, maybe one day!

Throw sexual needs into the equation and I think being sensible becomes a little harder. I think it is pretty unfair that for guys regular sexual satisfaction and maintenance is completely acceptable. They are proud of it. The more the merrier. For girls however it is the opposite, you feel the need to be a little more discreet. Girls tend to punish themselves when single and getting over an ex, but to be ready to have sex again I strongly believe that you have to be steady in your head and heart. Make sure you take full responsibility for your decision. Know that you are not less, you are not bad and ensure sure you don’t drop your standards just because your body is craving sex/ you are feeling weak and or worthless. Also make sure you don’t use or hurt others and you are on the same page. I wish guys could keep this simple manner. It doesn’t matter if it’s only a one night stand or a planned “let’s watch a DVD together” type of thing, make sure you know what you are doing. I know so many stories where it started like this and they got married. Not sure if this is the majority though, never checked the statistics.

Friends with benefits is another useful thing or it can be anyway. The main problem is that girls are more likely to get hooked on it and feel that it is a kind-of relationship. Also it can make you lazy and you get into this catch 22 situation. On the one hand you get satisfaction but on the other you are not open enough, you aren’t looking up to see who else is around. You get stuck for a longtime and lose the opportunity to find someone who can actually make you happy. However granted there are times when it does work. Just recently one of my new friends told me that her “friend” after a year decided to change the status and now they are a couple. Then again: Not sure if this is the majority though, never checked the statistics.

Most of the time however the seemingly easiest option is to go back to the EX for sex. It is also the most dangerous one. It makes everything more complicated and painful. The healing process can last forever this way! Only do it if you have given yourself enough time and you can really do this without getting hurt. The ex won’t say no so it’s up to you to look after yourself.

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy. They don’t overthink things, they don’t feel guilty, they move on pretty fast and they tend to not get emotional so easily. For guys there is no extra baggage, only pure exercise and pleasure. Lucky them!

(Some broad sweeping stereotypes might have occurred in this blog. I acknowledge that not all men and women act in the same way. The majority of men and women are loving wonderful people.)

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: The first Meet Up

When the body knows...

When the body knows…

Work friends… and some

I have many brothers which means I get on well with guys. I don’t know why, but I sometimes struggle with girls. I hated my best friend when we were 14 at the beginning! Oops. I have mainly always had male friends so no surprise that the one who supported me the most was a male friend again.

There was never anything between us, which is unusual I know but it’s true. He is amazing and I am really lucky to have him. We both know what it means to come out from a long dysfunctional relationship. We were the best movie buddies at this time. It helped that I love Transformers, Spider-Man, X-Man etc…another side effect of having brothers. Since he is happily settled in another relationship now we don’t go to the cinema anymore (really need a new movie buddy ASAP) but I know if I were ever in trouble or felt down he would be there for me and I would be there for him. How did I find him? At work of course! We used to be colleagues. Surprise, surprise! It is so easy to make friends at work, when you sit close to each other. If you click, you get close to these people no matter what, boys or girls. If you leave your job, then it is usually the case that you won’t see them again but some of them stay with you and make your life better. Some people though tend to mistake work relationships for love affairs and I guess I have some opinions on this. (Surprise- I have more to say!☺)

I have never cheated on anyone but I kind of understand why it is so common that colleagues have an affair. You see each other all day, you talk openly because it doesn’t interfere with real life and you don’t want anything from each other. Then before long you realise that you have become good friends and s/he knows more about you than anyone else and that you talk to him/her more than to your own partner. Even if you didn’t find him/her attractive at the beginning the inside glow can make someone very attractive. Also when things are not going well at home you look to the only other place you spend as much time, to seek comfort and familiarity. A colleague will (generally) listen, they boost your confidence and due to the fact that you do similar things they understand you. You begin to stay late at work because you are trying to avoid conflict at home- which makes it even worse.

Having said this (and I don’t judge anyone) you can resist and you can control your feelings. You don’t need to hurt your other halves for what could be a false ideal. You can be strong and you should be clever enough to realise that you should fix or end your relationship before you start to get more from others than from your partner. Very often these affairs wouldn’t function outside of work, because you get to see only one side of that person. Even if you had just one date you could realise that s/he is really not as good as your partner. Maybe he doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste or he doesn’t like to stay in bed late, etc…. You should always respect your partner enough and not cheat. Temptation is a funny thing but guilt is horrible and much worse. Try to fix it or end it.  That’s what I think anyway. Obviously, the truth is that it is your life in the end and it is not endless so it is your decision if you do something about it and make it better or if you remain unhappy and start to do those things you would have never done before- cheat.

Erm… I am not sure how I got here really when I only wanted to talk about my male friend and about the fact that how good it is when you have one!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Look forward and not backward

boybestfriend