The fear of living alone

Being single and living on your own can be really scary when you have no one around you. It’s only you.

You can’t get ill because no one will bring you anything in bed. You definitely can’t afford to break your arm or leg otherwise you are in serious trouble! (Not that I recommend breaking a bone if you are coupled.) Even if you have friends in the city it wouldn’t be enough. But when you are new in the town you have no one. Not long ago I was very proud of myself because I changed the fuse in my standing lamp. Yeaaah it only takes a minute but I ordered the fuse and did it myself. No one else needed. However as I was switching the light on something suddenly hit me. If I didn’t do it right and I got an electric shock, no one would find me. No one would miss me. Okay a little dramatic but still if something had happened… maybe my mum would start to worry around Sunday when I don’t call her, but not many others would notice at first! It shouldn’t be like this.

There is no way that I am the only one with this fear. I know that I can’t live in fear (cos it’s simply stupid) so I have to stop worrying and I know I will sort it out but it is still there.

Luckily I have some nice neighbours and although they wouldn’t necessarily knock for tea I think if I screamed loud enough they would come in. One of them even has a key to my flat; this is trust. Purely because I have to trust them as no one else I know lives nearby if I get locked out. The other neighbour is pretty cool as well. He lives there with Ted (his dog). He is a make-up artist and very talented. I wish he was my type as it would be a great love story. But instead we are just really good neighbours. (When I have too much food I give my neighbour and Ted some and I love going for a walk with them. Great company. Ted is super clever and the best alarm.)

This is the only time when I think a flat-share would have been better. More fun, lively and at least someone to bring you medicine and/or notice if you died from a faulty fuse!

PS: my journey has included many lessons about fear and how to keep it under control. The most important thing is: it’s all in your head, it is not real…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: It’s Christmas and I am single, so?


Fear – BSIL

How to find friends in London? – by “accident”

I have many friends, it’s a fact… My 3 best friends from school, who are the closest to me (I call ourselves the Fantastic4), live on 3 different continents. It is also a fact…. And they are all married 😉 Shall I continue? Being over 30 means that most of my friends are married with kids. Moving from one place to another after 7 years means that my friends are not close. And it is a challenge! When I moved to London I didn’t have many friends and of course “Friendships do not happen over-night!”. Let me tell you how I found my first amazing friend just 1 month after I had moved. I have felt many times that the Universe is looking after me. This time it couldn’t have been more obvious. I just moved to London, was feeling very lonely and had taken up dancing (the last fix pillar I had at the time).

One day after dancing, I went to Pret for a bite to eat and as usual there was no free table. I looked around and picked a pretty girl who was sitting on her own with a laptop. She had a great aura, she looked pleasant to eat next to, and I needed a seat. She said yes when I asked if I could join her table and for couple of minutes we didn’t talk. Then she started to talk to me about a scientific fact which sparked a great conversation. We have been really great friends ever since. I love her to bits. She is smart and fun. I think, honestly, she is my guardian angel. She was sent when I needed her the most. We clicked straight away.

In London this is how you make friends- randomly. When we said goodbye we exchanged email addresses and she invited me for thanksgiving which was a couple of weeks’ away. I was shocked. I was a stranger to her but she knew that it would be okay. And it was. I had the best night. It was my first big social-life test since being single.  It was the first time when I went to interact with so many strangers alone. I was scared and my confidence was down but I had a great time. It taught me to push my boundaries.

Since then I have met with many interesting people and I have heard many fascinating stories. I think one of my favourite people was a smart and gifted lady who happened to be a very famous goldsmith. She was making Mandela’s face out of jewelry. She was so unique and super talented.

My (guardian angel) friend has taught me when to shut up, she prepared me for my job interview (which I got) and every time we meet I am challenged and entertained. In such a short period of time my starving brain gets so much information and inspiration. Honestly she couldn’t ask for anything I wouldn’t do for her!

All good things happen when you give yourself a chance.

PS: once she waited 4 hours with me on Valentine’s day at the A&E! Why? I needed some antibiotics… Great piece of memory 🙂

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: “How long have you been single? “ – It is all relative, isn’t it?


Fantastic4 – Friends for almost 20 years…

Shock to the body

Let’s talk about sex baby, let’s talk about you and me! … And now I hope you are singing. Great start!

I believe the shock to your body as a result of no longer having, regular/if at all any, sex is important to mention. It is easy to assume that as girls we do not need sex as much as a man typically would. However suddenly no kisses, hugs, touching and of course no sex…It’s awful. When your body gets its fair share of sex, life is good and normally you are relaxed.  How many times have you encountered a frustrated colleague and you secretly think to yourself “Oh please just go home and get some sex, will you?” (Of course we are all nice, civilized young ladies and do not say that out loud…)

Not that I have ever used any drugs but I think having sex is a similar type of addiction. Addicted to pleasure. Even if you are not having sex, human nature (instinct) is a funny thing. Once a month my body is definitely telling me that it wants its some. I tell my body “Well tough s#!*” I am in control (and I am not a teenager anymore). Sooner or later you ease off yourself and you get used to not being touched, strangely you start to forget or believe that you used to have regular sex! Sometimes it made me wonder if I would even know how to kiss someone again!

I went for a massage around this time and it felt so strange to have somebody (albeit female) touch me again. Don’t get me wrong- I wasn’t turned on! It was just very strange to have hands on my body after months of having no one touch me.

When you are having sex, you are probably smiling, you are probably more confident and you are probably attracting more guys than ever! Why? Because you are glowing and it shows. When you are single this is the hardest challenge- to get this glow back without the help of someone else. Without sex. Without a rebound…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Damn rebound…

Shock to the the body

Shock to the the body

Getting over with going under …..

Even after a year I wasn’t overly comfortable receiving everyone’s comments, opinions and advice on my break-up. Admittedly sometimes the advice was good…but sometimes it was terrible. This is a CLASSIC piece of terrible advice (just couple of months after the break-up) therefore I can’t leave it out from my notes.

You break-up with someone and when those around you have nothing better to say they remind you of this magic little quote; “The best way to get over somebody, is to get under somebody else.” Who came up with this in the first place? Probably a bloke. Not a gentleman. Certainly not a lady. I mean I understand that it works for some and maybe mostly for guys (?) but most girls couldn’t do this straight-away without hurting themselves. And I have many female friends who agree. I think instead of fixing your confidence it actually ruins it. If you find someone and you “get under” him straight away there is a good chance that you will feel awful afterwards because you quickly realise that you have given your body to someone whom firstly, you probably wouldn’t normally have, and secondly it makes you miss everything about your ex even more! He isn’t your ex. He won’t replace him. If you can handle it (and I really don’t believe this happens often) but if you can and put it in the right place in your head then good for you! Just make sure you don’t regret it! Regret is a horrible thing…. However when you are so keen to do it because everybody says it will help, let’s be honest it probably won’t and instead it is likely to make you feel even more depressed.

Get your confidence without the help of getting under anybody! Make sure you don’t start to say those depressing words: “no one wants me/ I am not good enough/ I am worth nothing.” When a friend says this I feel the urge to shake them hoping they come to their senses. Don’t punish yourself. You are pretty, smart and sexy. Don’t question yourself. You are looking for someone too soon/ and most probably looking at the wrong person. Give yourself a bit of a break. Have a little faith!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Shock to the body

Don't regret...

Don’t regret…

The BIG Meltdown – it hits you sooner or later

Suddenly my adrenaline had ran out. It was now a few months after our break-up and it hit me (with force) that everything I had dreamed of was over. I had no more energy to keep pretending all was okay (I did a good job for 3 months). My heart felt like it was breaking all over again. I was beaten. My friend explained to me that it was similar to how you feel after being involved in a car crash. Your adrenalin is high immediately after (perhaps shock) but when it drops, you break down and come to terms with what has happened. Apparently most of us lose our sh*t around this point. My friend told me this theory straight after my break-up, when I felt okay… Fine, maybe I was in denial (?!). Maybe she was giving me a warning but I just remember thinking “Why does there have to be a come-down? Why can’t I just always feel okay?

Continue reading

Please, no more “I have a friend who is single…”!

It is human nature that as friends we want to give each other great pieces of advice. It is also fair to say that we probably don’t like to see our friends single, which must mean they are sad and or lonely. Naturally we want our friends to find happiness-which must be through love, right? (It is also probably human nature to want to be credited with matchmaking said friends… you know… maybe in their wedding speeches later down the line?!) However it would be nice if, when you are single, your friends wouldn’t sprinkle most conversations with “I know this lovely guy…who is also single…” Hosting a look of excitement and hope, as they look at your crestfallen face. Continue reading

The First Wedding (as a Single Guest)

I didn’t have too much “recovery time before I attended The First Wedding (as a Single Guest)”. Six weeks roughly. Naturally the invitation had been intended for the both of us but the happy couple were initially my friends and therefore I would now be attending the wedding alone. To add further disruption to the whole painful shenanigans the wedding was abroad and unfortunately he lost his money, unable to get a refund on his ticket… (I also lost money on a ticket for a wedding I was meant to go to in Germany.) Another casualty of heartbreak-your finances! Continue reading

“Are U single?”

After 5 years I almost forgot how it feels when people ask this question. Especially over 30 you cannot win. You don’t tick the expected boxes, you are simply “not good enough”. And they make sure that you feel this “society pressure”! Has anyone thought about that little thing that maybe it is not up to me? Anyway, the easiest way: Don’t worry about it! It doesn’t matter! Just because you are single you are not less, trust me! Continue reading