How about a one-night stand?

When you are single a one-night stand can be very tempting. However… The older I get, the more respect I have for my own body grows. This is my temple and I only have this body in this life, it hurts already everywhere after a 7-10k run :-S What can I expect later?

Being over 30 has got some benefits. I am more confident and I can control my hormones a bit better than I could in my twenties (a bit). Also I respect myself more and have become more selective over the age of 30 (hence the reason a pretty face is just not enough anymore…) I don’t take crap from others. I value quality over quantity. I have become Cinderella and parties have to stop around midnight or I can’t recover for days. This is so annoying btw. 2 drinks and I have swollen eyes in the morning (so not fair)…

So when the body is screaming the brain is still in charge. Let’s leave out the part when you have some drinks. It would be a completely different story. My friends laugh at me (not with me) because I have never had a one-night stand. They tell me how good it is and I am sure they are right. I can’t properly make my mind up about something I have never tried can I? I am missing out, whatever….

However I am honestly not the type of girl who attracts the guys in a club, I have never had someone ask me out after a party or invite me for a drink after. It has never happened. If I were to be kind to myself I wouldn’t say I was out constantly when I was not in a relationship so I did reduce the number of opportunities… 

According to a friend it is like Pringles, you take the first and you can never stop.  I have a feeling that she might be right…

I understand the reasoning as well: Why would I starve my body for no reason? No consequences, no regret. Being single means freedom, you do whatever you like. And we wonder why guys don’t want any commitments nowadays… This generation with the dating apps have got a very different opportunity and experience. You have so many to choose from. Why stop? It is like a never-ending story… Really makes me wonder what Casanova would do nowadays… – swiping to the right constantly…

However I know myself and if no matter how much I knew that it wasn’t more than an unspoken agreement (where we both knew that after having fun, there would be no rights, no expectations etc.) I would start to get attached quickly, therefore it would have to stop before it even got started. I would break all of the rules! I had and have this instinct of belonging to someone and being responsible for their happiness. I therefore presume it is not for me.

Sometimes I think if I had “fun”  constantly I would lose focus and the chance to actually notice the person who would be truly interested. Who would appreciate me (and I don’t want to be too cheesy here) and become someone potential. 

So for now the answer is no, sorry dear body, you keep up with the breaks, it’s all for the greater good… I hope. 

PS: It was all true when I wrote this post 18 months ago, only I know what happened since 😉

Next: Don’t lose that little spark of madness

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

onenightstand

 

When a girl goes to the pub

I am waiting for my friend. After a long tiring week finally I am here at Liverpool Street and all I need to do is wait a few minutes more for a drink. I am exhausted, my eyes are red, and I am dying for a bubble bath. Travelling at the beginning of the week, meeting a friend on Wednesday and watching La Boheme (what my friend said when it ended: just like life, right?) on Thursday means I had no “me” time 😉 but it is good! Finally life is good. Work is freaking busy and I can be useful, bonus. Awesome!

And now here I am patiently waiting… Ready for a fun weekend. I will be able to catch up with my friend all weekend and have the luxury of seeing someone in my tiny flat. Here in the pub I am looking around and I feel like I am in a bubble. Pushing myself through the crowd I find a seat pretty easily. The noise is fascinating- this pub noise is so overwhelming and so strange, Liverpool Street after working hours. Bankers mixed with builders, boys and girls, different cultures etc. all in one place. Everybody is there for the same reason, drinking and socializing, laughing and listening to each other. I am suddenly invisible. I am alone and it means that I do stand out. That’s why girls don’t go to the pub to make friendships.

You need someone to go with you to justify your visibility and existence.

Please tell me I am not the only one who observes people whilst I wait. Guessing the relationships within groups is fascinating, a brief profiling. Then I look deeper and watch the body language and reactions of those talking. A girl is staring at her huge engagement ring waiting for her friend to come back from the bar. Old men group on the left, young on the right where one is talking and the rest looks bored, security at the doors watching for trouble makers, more groups on the balcony wearing suits. One girl is applying lip-gloss and her friends look like they are from a catalogue. The naked Angels (24 at least – counted them) on the ceiling must have got used to this craziness and colourful experiments. They have heard all the stories and secrets, they have seen more than the human brain could probably take! I remember the first time I came here. This decoration was nothing what I expected. It is a strange but beautiful pub. There’s a nice food smell in the air and reasonable price for a drink after work. What else do you need?

My friend is here now and subsequently changed my status with her arrival… Someone who justifies my existence in this pub.

Next: Being single is not a disease

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

 

Fear is NOT real

This post is about how to cope with the fear of wondering how and/or when will you find the one? How do we combat those worrying thoughts such as, will I ever be loved again like I have been before? Will I be loved more than I have been before? How long do I have to wait for this love? Will I have time to have children? Shall I let that dream go? Am I single because my standards are too high/too low? Am I single because something is wrong with me? This list can be quite long. We can be so creative when our minds start to spiral out of control.

It gets a bit harder when suddenly all of your friends are having kids and you are the only one who hasn’t even got a boyfriend, not to even mention a husband! When you receive baby pictures on a daily basis- your Facebook has got nothing else but scan pictures and newborns. I believe when it all becomes a bit…much… the best thing to do is to get into a positive mindset and grab back some self-control. You can turn it around and shake it off. I think having these fears sometimes is completely understandable. The question is: can you handle it and not worry about it too much? When I could feel my worries becoming overwhelming I had a couple of tricks to get out of it. First of all I stopped looking at Facebook and I told myself that Facebook is not real, everybody shows their best sides of their lives on there, you never know about the other side. Facebook does not portray the whole reality. The second thought is very simple. I could feel sorry for myself but would it help? Would it make my life better? NO. In fact looking and feeling miserable probably equates to even less chance of attracting the right person. So the solution is simple. Acknowledge the feeling, reason with it and tell your mind to pack it up, move on and concentrate on better things. Check out your to-do list, call a friend, do some exercise and let your mind think about better more positive things. Tell yourself in the mirror that it will be fine and you just need to be a bit more patient. You could even write your fears down. Everything will be fine, it will all work out. 🙂 – Watch Will Smith’s advice on Fear!

Next: When a girl goes to the pub…

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

London is full of broken hearts

Living in London as a single person is the easiest. Why? Because this group is not the minority. Here being single is normal- almost expected. A buggy on the tube is not as common (except maybe at the weekend around the Natural History Museum). London very much exists on a different parallel to the rest of the country. The rest of the country is full of engaged women/ women expecting/women with all of it. But in London you can be free of any pressures. You can explore yourself and the city and grow with it. In fact you are sometimes forced to live with other single people (or couples) to be able to actually live. The good thing is that you have many choices to go out and learn, to experience and get to know people. However here is the difficult part. How to find that one girl who would go out with you to explore (something I used to struggle to achieve). All you can see and hear is the dating sites and how to get a guy. It’s everywhere but finding a friend is another story.

But luckily I was attracting single people like magnets. This is the force of nature. When you are in a relationship you go on double dates and trips and you love it! When you become single you fall out from this system and your social group changes. How to fit in and find your place again? Not as easy as it seems.

The more people I meet the more I realise that everybody has a story. And they are in different status e.g. happy to be alone or at least learnt how to be happy alone or, broken and in agony, lost, hurt and anywhere else in between. There is a common thing though regardless how bad or good they feel, usually their hearts were broken at some point and they all have a story. When you learn how to listen again you hear these stories and suddenly you feel better. Why? Because it makes you think. Human nature is tricky and we tend to feel better when someone has a worse story than ours, how bad is that?! But our empathy kicks in and we want to help. However we forget to feel sorry for ourselves. My nanny told me once that if everybody put their pain and problems in a bag and they put their bag in front of the door to swap, people would straight away take their own ones back. (She was old and wise and amazing.)

Time helps and you start to open up and see the bigger scheme and realise that the meaning of life is so much bigger and even though our story is huge and painful and it almost killed us, when you look at the bigger scheme you realise that you are really lucky with what you do have and you start to appreciate that. Your pain begins to shrink away. You appreciate everything you have. Your family, friends, job, any belongings you have but mainly the fact that you can still have someone to call…. Make sure you call though and you don’t close in. Open up and go out and concentrate on others a little bit. Then start to rethink your future. It is your life and you are the only one who can change it. You can waste it and you can make the most of it. You are in charge, you always have been. Now you have the time, power to shape it and direct it. This is your chance to be yourself. As a clever man once said: everybody else is taken.

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Being a “yeti” –  don’t let it happen!

be yourself

 

One of those days

I felt a bit down. Something along the lines of, when did I get so fat? Why does everybody hate me? Why am I good for nothing? I have nothing… I am worth nothing… I am not good enough for anyone. I am ugly and I have many spots and I look awful and I don’t have any decent clothes to put on…. Does it sound familiar? And in no time the tears were flooding. The only thing, which could force me to get up: was just knowing I had to or it would be a miserable, miserable day (and perhaps maybe if I had had any chocolate it could have enticed me out of my pit). So what happened since last night, when I was happy and full of ideas and energy and friends and I looked fabulous? The answer is damn simple. … Isn’t it obvious after so many years? It’s just one those days…

 

I used to spend these days inside the house and feeling sorry for myself. What a waste! But back then the sadness from my heartbreak was so strong that I couldn’t see reason or sense. When you have fewer reasons to feel sorry for yourself logic has more chance but of course we can find reasons anytime no matter how full that glass is. Due to human nature we can never feel satisfied can we?

So what now? Suddenly it’s like being in the matrix movie. We have two choices. Firstly shall we stay in bed and survive this time with ice cream (which clearly is the easier option) or we can choose the other, the one where we have to face our life and all the difficulties and face the challenges no matter how big or small they are. Yes it will be harder but I guess we all know this is the right choice.

Ok so we finally decide to face reality but the next question is: How? When we have no energy, no motivation, no solid purpose. Searching heavily in our mind to find at least the tiniest reason for our existence and purpose. Finding this on a morning like this is impossible. So let’s go back to the basics. Shall we just start to feel like human again? Creating a very simple to do list is a start on the “how”:

  1. Bathroom: hair, teeth and face
  2. Clothes: any (if you start to make smarter more presentable decisions then you can tap yourself on the shoulder as you progress)
  3. Food: whatever you find and definitely a coffee. If you are really good you might even consider to go out for a coffee or do some shopping (you can be really proud by then)
  4. Make up: even if you stay at home do it! It gives you confidence no matter what
  5. Phone call: best friend or family- anyone will do. Start to talk and feel alive. I love asking them to tell me off and tell me that I should do what I wanted to do (see previous post)! Works every time.

The rest will come after this! You can function again and make your real list! 🙂

Or was it the weather after all? ☺

Next: Turning point

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

 

Mother II – time is ticking

After a year break my mum felt the need to tell me that I should “hurry up”. For a year she was quite good she didn’t ask anything directly. She stuck to basic questions and subtle digging for information- asking me if I had met anyone nice etc… Desperately hoping that one day, I will break the news. Except that I didn’t. And her desperation for me to settle down became quite obvious. Luckily for me (unluckily for my dear mum) I have learnt to ignore her probing and not to take it too seriously.

One particular time she thought that I needed a reminder that I am not “that” young and I don’t have too much time to waste. That I should hurry up! Wasn’t a short conversation either…Nice one! She also explained that giving birth under 30 is much better and easier. (Really? I have never thought of that…) Like it has ever been my choice?! Well she can talk as she had two in her twenties and one when she was 33. I am well aware that I am not as young as she would like for me to be having babies but what shall I do? Shall I just go on the street and ask guys if they want a kid? Because my mum said so?! 

Most of the time I can bat her sense of disappointment away but sometimes it can hurt. Of course I know what she is saying and why but I worked really hard to wait for the right person and to not worry in the meantime. It can make a person upset and, worse still, in some cases it can send you off desperate to settle for any man! I would rather wait than be with someone who is not right just for the sake of it.

As I am writing this on the tube two handsome guys are sitting right in front of me. Yes, they are together of course, it’s London after all. And I am happy for them. However it reminds me so much how difficult it is going to be. Finding someone who is single, handsome and fun. It is a mission in London. I know I am picky (too right) because I would like someone who has got brain as well. They are not visible/ clearly labelled walking around though…
Sorry mum but this is going to take a while!

Dear Mums,

Please don’t give your kids all the wisdom and advice you can possibly think of! Please sometimes give them a break, allow them to find the right person, at their own speed and maybe just pray quietly…..

Thank you in advance
In the name of all the single girls on this planet

Next: One of those days

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Advice

Advice

 

Babies all around – no need to worry

I don’t believe that is only single people who get pressured from society. “Are you looking for someone? You are not getting any younger!” (Really?! Thanks for pointing it out, makes me feel much better. More about this next week). One of my best friend just explained how people don’t seem to accept if you don’t decide on the name of the baby when you are expecting or (worse) if you don’t share it with them. Ridiculous. This is just one example though, there is no one who would be an exception. Asking from single people why they are single, from couples when they get married, from married couples why they don’t have a baby yet – IS NOT fair! Please don’t do it! You never know what can be the real reason. 

Being over 30 means that whenever I go home I visit babies. Babies all around! Which I genuinely love! It means that I can spend precious time with my friends (they are always at home and available -> bonus). We enjoy taking the babies for a walk, get a cake or a coffee (or both). Also my mum friends appreciate the adult company or, even the tiniest luxury like going to the toilet themselves (you can only understand this when you have been there)! Times like these I am never jealous! I love them so much and I am happy for them but I would never swap places with them. I would like my own story and also their hubbies would drive me nuts (I swear). And I it is very nice that they don’t feel sorry for me just because I am single. They know me well 😉

One of my wise friends told me once that being jealous is normal and it’s very human. The main question is and what shows that you are intelligent, is if you can handle it and get over it super fast. Don’t mention it to the other person and don’t get depressed. No point (waste of time). And just to even the balance I am sure they wouldn’t swap places with me. Even when sometimes in those very vulnerable, raw and honest moments I hear (and see) that my mum friends are utterly exhausted! They don’t have time for sleeping or doing any kind of basic pampering for themselves. They haven’t seen any films or read a book. But we know it’s not good or bad. It’s different. It’s just different to my life. Another friend told me this once which I can’t argue with: whatever period in your life you’re in, make the most of it cos it will never come back. And it’s true when you are single and also true when you have children. You might go insane but to be fair for the love you get from your kids it is totally worth it. And they grow up so fast- that time will never come back. And when you are single you can travel, try out everything, learn new things, meet with amazing people, discover yourself and so much more! I think we should all appreciate what we do have, enjoy it and make the most of it! 

Next: Mother II – time is ticking

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

babies

Love them all!

 

Whatever happens in Dreamland…

It’s autumn…. The “6 months” darkness is coming and day by day it’s getting harder and harder to get out of the bed…. Finding a good reason to start the day…and make the most of it!

And this is the time when it is so easy to be trapped in Dreamland….

Have you have ever had that need to be in dreamland all the time? Because it’s safe? Dreamland is as perfect as you imagine it. In dreamland no one can hurt you. Everyone and everything are amazing. I wouldn’t call regularly escaping to a dreamland a form of depression. But it can quickly escalate to regularly feeling like reality is unbearable. I am not an expert, I can only talk from my own experience. It gives a break to the brain and allow us to relax a little bit. So in general dreamland is good, the problem starts when you spend far too much time there!

Yep, as much as I hate to admit it, I have done this. It’s awful. Well, I didn’t like it anyway. Ultimately though dreamland is fake and takes away every precious moment of life. It can be very hard to break out of but I hope you can and wish you all the best to not waste another moment. Reality is waiting for you! You can give yourself a day every now and then and that’s it. You shake it off and carry on! You will regret any seconds you don’t spend doing something better and more valuable. Reality will never be like this (or at least close to it) if you get stuck in dreamland. Dreamland is easy and it’s an escape. Fight against it and make sure you recognise it so you don’t get stuck in that world. Where everything is nice and beautiful. Where you are happy. Wanted, confident and not alone! Get out of there! Find your real world and do something about your unhappiness with it.

Yes it can be challenging sometimes, yes you might get hurt and yes it might be hard but it’s worth it. Simply because it will be real! And whatever you achieve will make you satisfied and you will start to glow and get more energy day by day. Allow yourself a night with a tub of Ben and Jerry’s, a glass of wine, a nice bath, a good film/ series, switch off and the next day wake up and carry on! Desire reality 🙂

Next: Travel and explore, feed your soul!

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Dreamland

He is just not that into you

“When they stop texting they simply stopped being interested and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do. Cos he is Just. Not. That. Into. You. Always happens when you fall for someone really badly of course…”

So when someone doesn’t respond within a day and just ignores me I always have this urge to end a conversation. Just end it straight away, clear cut. No games. I don’t need to waste time on thinking why he hasn’t texted etc. Why is that though? Is it because I am a girl? Or is it because I am an analyst? Why do I need a closure or an end? Honestly it is so trying to be able to resist finishing a conversation, or not sending a text saying “Okay Mr Idiot it’s so over! I agree! I get it” But I try to not text back because I try to remember that I will lose the last thing I have control of- my self-respect. It’s not worth it.

If they do not realise how awesome you are it is their loss. It is simple as that. Never wait for their response for too long. It is a waste of time. Stop your mind from spending hours to dream about something, which will never happen. Life is too short.  I can’t repeat myself enough. Once your self-esteem is back you won’t wait for anyone’s response though. You won’t care I promise. You should know who you are and how much you are worth and be confident that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Don’t blame yourself. People sometimes do not click, it happens. Let’s move on.  If they care they will text you and they won’t wait for days with a silly response. When someone starts to play that game I send them away or stop texting them. They are time wasters, nothing else.

I can hear my best friend saying in my head: “Am I right to say that you are negative a bit recently?” I guess I am, yes! Even without being on these brilliant dating apps and websites I attract more idiots than I desire, so I have my right to be slightly negative sometimes. Just give me a break.

I have learnt not to open up as it scares them away, and not be too kind because they tend to throw it back in your face. And I can physically feel my heart harden up. Slowly becoming cynical and sour and over-protective. I am building that massive invisible wall (good luck to anyone to break that one). My mum always told me not to kick a person when their down. It is such a shame that not everybody was taught this lesson. These “players” do not respect kindness and morals. Hurting someone else’s feelings for some quick smug fix, is in my eyes the lowest you can go.

I know I am direct, too direct sometimes, but we are old enough to be straightforward and to follow what we want. There are so many girls and boys who don’t mind to just have some fun so just be open and find those. Leave those alone who want more.

However, to be fair, I still believe and hope that if it is the right person they will appreciate me and not be scared by my knowing what I want. There is no such a thing as being too much of yourself if someone is actually, truly, interested and not just playing.

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: Dreamland

The girl with the 100 date challenge on Tinder

This Tinder craziness is something I could try and stay away from but I have to admit it is very entertaining and can cause a pointless addiction in no time. Surely it’s such a natural instinct to want to get to the end of a story, but the problem with Tinder is it is a never-ending story!

When my friend stayed for the weekend she introduced me to the Tinder world. Very simple and your judgment is based purely on appearance. And you can enjoy dismissing others without them finding out. Apparently it was designed for hook-ups and one night stands. My guess is that this is better suited for guys than girls, however not always. According to a friend “Girls go on Tinder to find a husband, guys go on Tinder for a one night stand!”. I couldn’t possibly comment on this.

This app is a very fast paced. Finding someone here is even faster than on Plenty of Fish, Match etc. I knew this girl who signed up after her break-up and got so excited at the beginning (adrenaline). It gave her the confidence she needed and even started an excel file with the dates she had. Only a couple of weeks later the steam ran out and she lost interest. One day she said this: “No matter how many I am meeting and how much time they each take, I realise there is no point. None of them are him (the ex, let’s call him John). I can try to meet them all whilst waiting for another exact “John” to turn up but it won’t happen. Cos they are not him. No one is like him.”

I could feel her pain. I couldn’t agree more. I needed such a long time to be able to look up. Hated everybody who was using the freaking “you need time” expression. But they were right of course. And she reached this point. I was so proud of her. She is a survivor. A smart one. Seeing her agony and fight how she digested this was very painful. This journey is never easy…

PS: when you are ready, your confidence is back and you feel that you are yourself again just go for it! When you are independent emotionally, you can see through players better and you are not desperate so you won’t put up with the ones normally you wouldn’t 😉

(Author: An, edited by my lovely friend Sarah)

Next: God save us all from married men!

tinder or no tinder

Tinder or no Tinder